


Broken Cure

by lunavic01



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Adult Hermione Granger, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Back to Hogwarts, Dark Hermione Granger, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Romance, F/M, Good Severus Snape, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape, Rape Recovery, Self-Harm, Severus Snape Has a Heart, Severus Snape Lives, Sickfic, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Survivor Guilt, Trauma, Whump, Whump Fever, ss/hg
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:48:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 14
Words: 33,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23633362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunavic01/pseuds/lunavic01
Summary: After the war, after Voldemort was defeated, Harry and Hermione decided to go back to school and finish the school carrier. After all, Hermione Granger would never accept not completing her school carrier, or so she thought three months ago.Now, she realized that that didn’t matter. She was still in Hogwarts because she had nowhere else to go. She had no parents, no home, no money… Nothing. She was lost.Hermione Granger, the brain of the Golden Trio, The Brightest Witch of Their Age, The Lioness of Gryffindor, was now in pieces, lost and completely alone.Broken.
Relationships: Hermione Granger/Severus Snape
Comments: 87
Kudos: 225





	1. Lost

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! That's my first SS/HG fanfic. Please be nice, I'm working really hard on this.  
> Be aware of the tags, I'll add more when necessary. Let it be known that, this is not a light heart fanfic. This's going to be dark. So, please be careful.  
> I'll add more things that I think it will be good to let you guys know.  
> I really hope you all enjoy!
> 
> Ps: I'm sorry for any mistakes, English it's not my first lenguage. If anyone wants to be my beta-reader, please, let me know!

_ Everything was dark. She couldn’t see a thing in front of her.  _

_ She looked around, searching for a font of light, but found none. She wanted to leave the darkness, find light, get out of that place. _

_ Her heart jumped a beating when the sudden sound of faraway screams filled the darkroom. Terrified screams that begged to help. _

_ She was running now, looking for the person that was in so much pain. Hermione couldn't help but imagine the most horrible scenarios. _

_ The screams were louder now, and she was sure she was getting closer. All Hermione could hear was the echo of her steps, her fast breathing, and the screams. So intense. So close. She wanted to find them. She desperately needed to save them. _

_ Until she didn’t. _

_ There, in the middle of the darkness, she saw a girl. A girl with curly hair. A girl who looked frighteningly like her. The girl was lied down on the floor, screaming and crying. More desperate than anyone that Hermione ever saw in her entire life. _

_ There was also another person with the little girl, the cause of her despair. They were holding her down, on top of her, laughing like they were seeing the best thing of their life, enjoying the girl’s suffering. _

_ Hermione tried to scream, but no voice came. She tried to get closer to the girl, but she was stuck. _

_ She couldn't move, and with the growing desperation, she realised that she couldn't breathe either. _

_ The little girl tried to fight, kicking and screaming, but nothing seemed to stop them, and Hermione couldn't do anything except watch. _

_ “We are going to have fun.” _

Hermione sat suddenly in the bed, not knowing where she was. Her breathing was fast and uncontrolled. Her whole body was shaking in fear. Her nightclothes seeming like a second skin because of the sweat that covered her body.

She was in Hogwarts. She reminded herself. In school. The safest place on earth. No one could hurt her there. 

After a moment, Hermione looked around, trying to calm her breathing down. Her roommates were next to her, in peaceful sleep. In the window, the sun was rising, the light replacing darkness gently. It must be early, she concluded. 

She threw her head in the pillow, annoyed. The sleepness left her body a long time ago, leaving her fully awake.

_ The war is  _ over _ , Hermione. Stop being such a brat _

After the war, after Voldemort was defeated, Harry and Hermione decided to go back to school and finish the school carrier. After all, Hermione Granger would never accept not completing her school carrier, or so she thought three months ago.

Now, she realized that that didn’t matter. School, N.E.W.T.s, career… Nothing of that matter if another crazy dark wizard, control freak that thinks that they’re better than everyone else appeared again. She was still in Hogwarts because she had no one else to go. She had no parents, no home, no money… Nothing. She was lost.

She felt another wave of annoyance pass trough her body to feel her eyes burn and the tears fall that early in the morning. The girl threw away her blankets angrily. There was no use in trying to get back to sleep when she felt so overwhelmed with emotions. Hermione got dressed quickly and left the dorms without a noise. 

Hermione didn’t seem aware of where she was going, it seemed like her feet took control of her body, and, before she realised, she found herself in the library doors.

That was a common thing now. Her brain just shuts down, and she finds herself somewhere, without remembering how she had got there.

Hermione scoffed at herself without humour, her eyes showed so much angrier and sadness that was hard to bear.

Hermione Granger, the brain of the Golden Trio, The Brightest Witch of Their Age, The Lioness of Gryffindor, was now in pieces, lost and completely alone.

Broken. 

Severus Snape woke up touching his neck desperately, trying to get his breathing under control.

He could still see the snake’s ferocious eyes, excited to end him. He could hear the loud laugher of pleasure coming from the Dark Lord in seeing him in so much pain. He could feel the blood leaving his body, making him weak as the snake’s poison paralyzed every cell of his body. 

Snape closed his eyes slowly, trying to calm down his raced heart, passing his hands through his face to clear his head. 

He hated those dreams. He hated how they made him feel weak.

With a deep breath, he got up. It was no use trying to get back to sleep now. No with all the thoughts tormenting him.

He knew - although the dungeons didn’t have windows - that the sun was just now rising, and most of the students were still asleep. He didn’t mind waking up this early. He actually liked. That way, the brainless kids didn’t bother him. 

After he got dressed, he observed the small room, seeing the papers that he was supposed to correct that day. With an unpleasant noise, he got all the papers and left the room, walking slowly to the school library, enjoying the silence and empty halls, hearing the echo of his steps. With a bit of luck (something he doubted he could ever have), that would be done before breakfast.

Getting close to the library, looking at some of the answers of the fifth year, he glanced up and slowed his steps.

Hermione Granger was standing in front of the large doors, looking lost.

Snape frowned. Even for the annoying Know-it-all, book eater, this was too early to be in the library. But what was stranger was the fact that the girl didn’t move it at all, it seemed like she didn’t even realise where she was.

He put his hands together in front of him still holding the scrolls, looking directly at her.

“Are you lost, Miss Granger?” The unexpected voice startles her if the little jump she gave when heard his voice indicated anything. “What the dear Gryffindor Lioness is doing so early in the morning?”

The girl turned slowly, with her head low, seeming afraid to face him.

“I’m sorry, sir. I couldn’t sleep. So I guess I came down here.” She practically whispered, unable to find her voice.

“You guess?” Snape asked, raising an eyebrow.

Hermione didn’t respond, which he thought was odder. Usually, the girl would ramble her way out of the situation with some well-trained explanation.

Snape got closer and watched the girl. Her appearance was sloppy, a marked difference regarding how she normally looked. Her hair was tousled, her clothes loose, she had dark circles under her eyes like she hadn’t slept in days, and she was pale like she was ill.

He looked at her with care, thinking if he should lecture her, but then he saw her eyes, he instantly knew something was wrong. The girl's eyes were empty, almost dead. There was no light or curiosity. Just numbness.

“What are you doing here, Miss Granger?” Snape asked again, not taking his eyes away from the girl.

She looked confused for a second. “I already told you, sir. I wasn't able to sleep, so I came here.”

Snape didn’t respond, just stared at the girl, studying her. After a moment, he spoke slowly. 

“You were supposed to be eating breakfast, not standing in the way of the library.” 

“Sorry, sir.” She said with a small voice.

“Go.” He simply demanded.

Hermione didn't need to hear twice. She got out of his way and walked in the direction of the Great Hall, still staring at the floor.

Snape stared at her until the girl disappeared of view frowning even more.

He didn't know why he cared. but he knew that something was definitely wrong with Hermione Granger. 


	2. Questions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning!!!  
> Explicit Reverences for Suicide and Self-Harm  
> Please, Please, be careful everyone!

Snape walked towards the teacher's table in the Great Hall after reviewing every paper he had to (He got lucky after all). His stomach was growling so much that the noisy conversations didn’t even bother him.

He studied the Hall, his eyes directly going to the Gryffindor table. After all those years looking up for “The-Boy-Who-Lived”, it was instinctive now. Old habits die hard, he supposed.

This time though, his attention wasn’t on Potter, but in the brain of the Golden Trio.

Hermione was quiet, looking down her food but not eating. Potter seemed to be trying to talk to her, but she didn’t seem to pay enough attention, so he gave up, turning his attention to Ginerva. 

Severus watched them glance at her with worried looks, but she also seemed unaware of that.

The unnerving feeling that something was wrong hit him again, and this time he couldn’t shake it away.

That was Granger, he was seeing. The forever active, always brilliant, always thinking ahead of anyone else. After years and years watching Potter, he became used to her, it was an almost blessing knowing Potter had a colleague not so brainless, which could help him and take the lead in extreme situations. 

Now, it looked like he was just seeing the ghost of what it once was, and that was, somehow, distressing. 

After a while, Hermione got up, said something to her friends and left. Snape watched her leave and turned to his own plate, his hunger long gone. He sighed, getting up as well and making his way out of the Great Hall. The classes would start soon, so he decided he might as well make his way to his classroom.

To his surprise, Hermione was already there in front of the door, with that lost expression again. When she heard his steps getting closer, she looked up quickly and rolled her sleeves down to her hands.

Snape didn’t have anything to say, so he just opened the door and let her in. He sat on his desk and watched her sit in front to the table openly ignoring his gaze.

The bell rang, indicating the beginning of classes. Almost immediately students ran into the room and sat into the corresponding chairs. 

Snape started the lesson with the annoying feeling that Granger wasn’t hearing a word that he was saying. She didn’t raise her fucking hand once!

To see how far it would go, he got up from his chair, facing the class.

“I'm going to ask one question. Who answers correctly will gain 20 points for your respective houses.” Snape informed, immediately having everyone's attention. Giving house points freely wasn’t something he did often.

Hermione, however, didn’t even flinch. 

“You shall not look into books, or do any kind of search. Let’s see if you brainless minds have learned something.”

Snape knew that the Know-it-all wouldn’t bare not answering a question, mainly a question that would be worth points for her house.

He watched the class for one moment, seeing the students on the edge of their seats, and stopped his eyes on her.

Hermione, once again, didn’t seem to listen to what he had said.

A wave of annoyance hit him for the third time that day, but he, once again, forced himself - with great difficulty - to repress the emotion… For now.

“What would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?"

Easy enough. He had asked this before. Even Potter could know the answer. He was sure that she knew. There was no way she couldn't know.

Snape watched the room, ignoring every other student, waiting for her annoying arm rise like always. But she didn’t.

He stopped in front of her,

“Don’t tell me that even our Know-it-all doesn’t know the answer to that ridiculous question.”

Hermione’s eyes focused back on him. She raised her head like it was the first time she had seen the professor in front of her.

“What is the answer, Miss Granger?” Snape asked with annoyance. 

The girl grew paler, and Severus was under the impression that she had started to shake slightly. Seeing that she didn’t know, Snape repeated.

“What would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?"

Hermione closed her eyes, trying to concentrate, her eyes went in and out of focus, and she couldn’t hear Snape’s question because of the fuzzy and noise in her ears.

“I’m sorry, Professor…” Hermione started slowly, trying to focus on his face, but the black dots in front of her were getting in her way. “I don’t...”

Before Snape could catch what she was going to say, Hermione collapsed to the side.

Snape realising that she was about to pass out a second later, grabbed her by the shoulders, preventing her from falling on the floor.

The sound of chairs shuffling to look closer was immediate, along with the surprise gasps.

Snape adjusted the girl in his arms, taking her hair out of her face to get a better look, concern rising with each breath. Hermione was white like snow, her breathing was fast and sweat covered her forehead. 

“Hermione!” Harry screamed, staying by her side immediately. 

Even under the school uniform, Snape could feel the concerning warmth she was irradiating. Snape put his hand in her forehead, feeling the temperature. The girl seemed on fire.

“She’s burning up.” Severus said to her friend, with a calculated voice. “Miss Granger?” He called strongly, hoping that she opened her eyes. “Miss Granger, can you hear me?”

The whole class was now around them, trying to get a glance of the girl.

“Potter, help me to take her to the hospital wing.”

Harry got up instantly and went open the door, getting people out of the way. Snape took her into his arms carefully, surprised with how light the girl was. Was she even eating  _ at all _ ?

He walked towards Pomfrey the fastest he could.

“What happened to her, sir?” Potter asked, almost running to keep up with Snape.

“That's what we are going to find out.” He replied, trying to walk even faster.

“Do you think she was cursed? She did the potion wrong?”

Snape didn’t reply, he knew Granger was smart enough to not mess with the potion, and, stopping to think about it, he believed she didn’t even start.

Poppy was casually murmuring and looking at some papers when the two of them stormed into the room.

“Oh, my Merlin! What happened?” Poppy asked, already standing and guiding them to the closest bed.

“She fainted. She’s burning up.” Snape answered quickly, getting out of the way, giving the woman space to do her job.

Poppy took a quick look at the girl in front of her before putting herself to work. “I need you two to leave.” Pomfrey asked calmly,

Snape felt something go up and down in his stomach. Could that be anxiety… For Hermione?

“Are you sure? I can help, Poppy.” He caught himself saying.

Pomfrey considered for a second.

“Okay. Okay. You can help.” And seeing that the boy was about to complain, continued: “Harry, I need you to go after Headmistress McGonagall. Tell her what happened and that Severu’s students are still in class.”

Harry didn’t seem happy about it but went running through the door without another word.

“Did something strange happen?” Pomfrey asked, turning her attention back to Snape.

“No. She just fainted. We weren’t doing anything dangerous” Snape replied. Poppy seemed troubled but didn’t say anything. “What can I do?”

After half an hour, Poppy seemed to relax again, and her professional look softened a little.

“So?” Snape asked, trying to sound indifferent.

“I don't think Hermione is taking good care of herself these days.” She replied, caressing the girl's hair.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, she’s dehydrated, weak, and I don’t think she ate anything today.”

Severus looked at the unconscious girl in front of him, in what seemed like a new light. Were these effects of the war on her? Sometimes Severus forgot that she was in it. That Hermione, who was barely a kid saw the horrors of the war, and what it can do to you. 

Miss Granger was hurting, Severus realised with great pity.

“She’s going to be okay, though.” Poppy continued. “She needs rest, that's all.” 

They stayed in silence for a long time, just watching the girl breathing in and out. “You can go now, Severus. She's going to sleep for a while.”

Snape swallowed uncomfortably. For some reason, that he couldn't quite explain, he didn’t want to leave. He wanted to be there until he had sure she was okay, and those amber eyes were open again.

“If you don’t mind Poppy, I would like to stay until she wakes up. It was in my class she passed out, after all.”

Madame Pomfrey frowned but didn’t argue. “If you’re sure. I’ll be at my desk if you need me.”

With a nod, Snape watched Poppy go and then sat on the chair next to bed.

Hermione was still breathing fast, her temperature still high, it would take awhile for the potion to work.

“What is happening to you, girl?” Snape whispered. Poppy’s words didn't leave his head.

_ “I don't think Hermione is taking good care of herself these days.” _

Severus tried to think the past few days, trying to see if he had lost something.

Obviously, he didn’t pay attention to the Gryffindor Lioness. Why would he? But, when he really thought about it, slowly, things came to mind.

Her vague look in his classes, her lack of participation (which he thought it was just her finally comprehending that he didn’t want to hear her smart answers) and the unusual low quality of her homework. How he didn’t see this before?

He watched the girl with care again, examining her. She was skeletal. It didn’t surprise him that she had passed out. He didn’t know how she still had the strength to stand. She was pale like a ghost…

Something got his attention when he looked at her arms.

Frowning, and feeling a knot forming down his throat, he carefully took her cold hands in his and rolled up her sleeves.

His heart raced, feeling the nausea hit him.

All over Hermione's arms, there were deep lines, irritably red, along with some other wounds that were still trying to heal.

He looked at her arm. His mind trying to fit the pieces together. He didn’t know how to feel seeing that. Sorrow was a good word, but most of all, he felt shocked. He couldn’t look away. It didn’t click, those cuts were made by Hermione. The Brightest Witch of Their Age. She was hurting herself with cuts that were deep enough to kill if she cut in the wrong place.

Was that her intention? Kill herself? End her life?

Of course, he fully understood what could lead a person to desire death. Merlin knows how many times he had wanted and tried to do this to himself. But her...? A young woman of that age, of extreme intelligence. With a life of opportunity in front of her. She was just nineteen for fuck sake!

Snape slowly felt the sorrow becoming red, bubbling anger. 

How did no one see this?!

How could her useless friend care so little about the witch that literally saved his life since the first moment he put his feet in Hogwarts?

At that moment, Minerva, along with Harry passed through the hospital wing doors. Snape let go of Hermione's hands and put her sleeves down again, hiding the cuts. He didn’t want to discuss this with Minerva until he could speak with Hermione. Also, her little friend was there, and he wasn’t sure if he knew.

“How is she?” Minerva asked, stopping on the other side of the bed, Harry staying next to her.

“The fever is still high, but she’s going to be alright.” Severus used his indifferent tone to mask the whirlwind of emotions he felt over the new discoveries.

Minerva sighed, caressing the girl's hair as Poppy did before. “I dismissed your students, Severus. Poppy told me you wanted to stay until she’s awake.”

“If that’s alright.” He replied.

Severus observed the quiet behaviour that Potter showed. He was worried, but that didn’t make up for not paying enough attention to his friend. Literally saviour. Potter would have died trying to take the philosopher's stone if it wasn't for Hermione.

“But you, Harry, have to go. The next class will be beginning soon.”

Harry didn’t reply. He was staring at Hermione.

“She's going to be okay, Potter.” She guaranteed.

“Can I… Can I stay just for a little while? Please, Headmistress?” He pleaded with a weak voice.

She was silent for a moment. “Very well. But when the bell rings, go to class.” And turning her attention to Severus, said: “Are you okay here?”

“Yes.”

“I have to go, but you keep me updated, yes?”

“Of course, Headmistress.”

“Good.” She looked at Hermione again, with worry, and left, leaving Snape and Harry alone in silence. 

What had seemed an eternity later, Snape broke the silence. 

“Did Miss Granger eat anything yesterday, Mr Potter?” Snape asked rashly.

Harry was caught out of the guard. “I wouldn't know, sir.”

“And today?”

“I didn’t notice, sir.” Harry seemed ashamed.

“What great friend you are.” Snape mocked.

He expected Harry to be angry, but that seemed to only increase his shame and sadness. “You’re right, sir.”

That disarmed the Potion Master. At least Potter knew now that he was being a bad friend. And for a brief moment, Snape could feel for him. The two of them stayed in silence again until the bell rang, and Harry had to go to his next class.

Then, it was just Snape alone, with the unconscious witch by his side.

_ “I don't think Hermione is taking good care of herself these days.” _

“Damn.


	3. Hospital Wing

Hermione didn’t want to open her eyes.

Finally, the dark was a safe place. She was in a comfortable and warm bed. And her body didn’t hurt as much that hurt before. But her mind was trick, seeming like “safe” was the last thing that it wanted her to feel. Soon the memories of what happened came to her.

Snape. Question. Blank.

She opened her eyes, and sat on the bed quickly, trying to find out where she was.

“Woah. Woah.” The voice came from a chair next to her, and soon she saw a pair of hands push her down so she would lay down.

She focused on the owner's hands that were pulling her down.

“Calm down. You’re alright.”

“Professor Snape?” She asked, surprised when she could see right. Hermione looked around. Of course, she would be in the hospital wing, and that made her frown with irritation.

“Why am I here?” She asked, angrier than she intended.

“Maybe because you  _ fainted  _ in the middle of my class?”

“I don’t need to be here.” She replied in the same intensity.

“Of course. Because  _ fainting  _ it’s something totally normal.” Snape said sassily.

Hermione stared at him angrily, and Severus came up with a funny thought that, if he hadn't almost been killed by a snake, and the Dark Lord himself, he could think that she could be really scary.

Hermione didn’t say anything, but still stared at him like her eyes could kill, yet, a moment later, her expression smoothed, and Snape had a feeling that was not good. That was really not good. He was her professor for long enough to know.

Without another word, Hermione took off the blankets and sat down.

“What are you doing?’ He asked, staying immediately by her side, trying to get her to lay down.

“I don’t need to stay here. I’m fine”.

Her words betrayed her. At the moment Hermione tried to stand, a strong wave of dizziness passed through her, making her lose her balance and stumble to the side. Snape, for the second time that day, steadring her by the shoulders, preventing her from falling over.

“What did you say again?”

Hermione looked up and noticed a raised eyebrow and what she thought was a smile, forming on Snape's face.

Her face got hot as he helped her lay in bed again. She didn’t argue, but she snorted in protest when she was comfortable again.

“Oh! Good! You’re awake, dear.” Madam Pomfrey pushed away the curtains to take a better look at her. “We were worried. You’ve been sleeping all day!”

“A  _ whole day _ ?” Hermione seemed mad. Comically mad. But Poppy didn’t seem to notice. “Madame Pomfrey, I’m fine. I don't need to stay here.”

“Unfortunately, Miss Granger, that's not your decision to make.” Severus said, and once again, Hermione threw at him a glance of pure fury.

He couldn’t help when the corners of his mouth lifted discreetly.

“Professor Snape is right, my dear. You need to stay here until tomorrow.” Poppy informed.

“But...”

Before Hermione could argue, Poppy raised a finger.

“No, Hermione. That’s not up for discussion.” And with that, she left.

Hermione opened her mouth in a small “o” and laid in bed, more annoyed than before.

“I hate this.”

Snape shook his head.  _ Stubborn Little Gryffindor. _

They went silent after that. 

Snape moved uncomfortably in the chair. He desperately wanted to talk about what he saw on her arms, but he was feared not to be the appropriate time.

"What are you doing here anyway, Professor? You don't need to be trapped here like I am."

_ I feel responsible.  _ "You were in my class when got ill. It's only natural that I wanted to make sure you were okay.” He affirmed.

“Well, you can leave now. I’m perfectly fine.”

_ Are you, really? _

Severus observed the girl, with an expression that Hermione didn’t entirely understand, but before she could think about, he got up.

“Very well, then.”

Did he seem upset? Was she too rash on him?

Before Snape could leave her bedside, she added quickly: “Thank you, professor. For staying with me.”

Severus stopped at the same spot and looked at her. Without saying a word, he nodded and left the hospital wing.

It didn’t take too long for Harry, Ginny and Luna to visit her with all the homework she lost that day.

“Thank you.” She said, not really looking to anyone’s eyes.

Harry and Ginny exchanged glances, and after a minute or two, Ginny nodded in affirmation to Harry.

“Uh… Hermione? We wanted to talk to you.” Harry said, unsure

Hermione’s heart raced, but she kept her natural expression.

“Yes?”

“We’ve been worried about you.” Ginny continued. “You haven’t been yourself lately.”

Hermione’s heart sank a little bit further. She didn’t want to have this conversation. That was the last thing on earth that she wanted to do.

“Look… We understand. We all passed through hell together, Hermione.” Harry completed.

“I think she knows that, Harry. She does. But we’re not prepared to help her, and neither is she ready to receive help. Right, Hermione?” Luna stated, in her usual dreaming voice.

Everyone looked at her for one moment. Luna had a way of telling the harsh truth like it was nothing.

Hermione looked down. She really didn’t have the strength to do that now.

“Look, guys, thank you for coming by, but I’m really tired. It would be good to get some sleep.”

She lied, obviously. Hermione felt so awake that hurt.

"If you're sure..." Harry said.

"We will come back tomorrow then," Ginny informed, and Hermione didn't fail to notice the twinge of sadness in her friend's voice.

"We see you soon, Hermione." Luna waved.

Her friends glanced at her one last time and left.

Hermione couldn’t help the heavy tears that fell down her face a moment later without her permission.

She wanted to scream, she desperately wanted to scream, to end her pain. It felt like she was dying, that her heart was breaking. It hurt so bad that she couldn’t breathe.

Hermione took one hand to her mouth muffling the noise she was doing.

She wanted to do it. She needed to do it. She needed relief to her heavy heart, but how could she do that in the hospital wing, when, at any moment, Madam Pomfrey or any other person could see her.

No. She couldn’t. Not that night.

But she didn’t want to feel either. She wouldn't bear the pain that her mind was pulling her through. She would go mad by the sunrise. She needed something. Anything that could help her not to feel.

_ Of course! _ Why didn’t she think of this before?

Cleaning her tears quickly as she could, she called Madam Pomfrey.

One moment later, she was there.

“Yes, dear?”

“Hum… I’m tired but I can’t sleep. I was wondering if you could give me something.”

Madam Pomfrey seemed contradicted for a moment.

“Are you sure that you are unable to sleep without a potion?”

“Yes. Please, Madam Pomfrey. I’m really tired.”

Well… I suppose a bit of Dreamless Sleep wouldn’t hurt. Just one moment, dear. I need to ask Professor Snape.”

“Thank you very much.”

Pomfrey gave Hermione a sweet smile and left. After ten minutes of staring at the ceiling, Hermione heard steps.

“Are you sure that's appropriate, Poppy?” She heard Snape ask.

“The girl needs rest, Severus.”

Something wasn’t right in this, Severus thought. Obviously, he believed that Hermione didn’t sleep well in the past few days, but something told him that it had things hidden that she was letting them know.

“Miss Granger, how are you feeling?” Snape asked, narrowing his eyes for her, watching her behaviour.

“Tired, sir,” Hermione replied.

Snape noticed that the girl's eyes were swollen, accentuating the dark circles under her eyes. Was she crying?

“One drop of Dreamless Sleep.” He was informed, still bothered. “Nothing more than that.”

“Yes, sir.” Hermione seemed too eager to take the potion, what nothing did to reassure him.

Severus, still fighting his intuition, invoked a cup full of water, and gave it to her, spilling one drop of Dreamless Sleep.

Hermione drank everything at once, wildly wanting the numbness and the darkness that the potion would provide her.

“Thank you, Professor.” She said, already feeling the unconsciousness trying to get her.

“Your welcome, Miss Granger.” There was something in Snape’s voice that Hermione couldn’t explain, and that she didn’t have a chance to think about it.

The potion served its purpose one moment later.

Hermione slowly drowned in a Dreamless Sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please tell me your thoughts in this one!  
> See you monday!


	4. Detention

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys are doing well, staying at home and washing your hands!
> 
> I wanted to clarify again that English it's not my first language, and I really do my best to write as correctly as I can. If anyone wishes to be my beta, let me know! It would be really helpful and lovely. Especially because the Portuguese translations are very very different than the original, and it's difficult to know what I'm doing wrong, since I just read the Brazilian books.
> 
> I also wanted to thank the reader Kitty that made my day leaving such a wonderful comment. This fic is not getting feedback, and I was really sad and thinking about stopping writing it. As I writer myself, I know how sad it is to all author's not hear what people think about their work, so, if you like a history, say what you think! Let them know how much you appreciate their work! If the writer thinks that no one like what they are writing, they will stop.
> 
> The last thing, if you're looking for another great SS/HG fanfic, read Bearing Your Burden by TheTitaniumSerpent. It's amazing, you guys! (Really, I don't even know or talk to the author, I just want her work to be more appreciated. 
> 
> Enjoy the reading! Be safe!

_ She’s going to be better.  _ Severus told himself _. Next time I see her, she’ll be better. _

It was anxiously that Snape walked towards the dungeon the next morning.

Hermione's expression when finally drinking the Dreamless Sleep didn’t get out of his head. She was so relieved and satisfied like she was finally free with the darkness that was upon her. But she wasn’t supposed to be relieved! That was not healthy.

_ Such as cutting herself _ . Snape thought, bitterly.

At the moment that he entered the classroom, all the conversation stopped.

He walked towards that blackboard, refusing to look around, and tap his wand in it, making it appear the lesson of the day.

When he turned around, finally facing the class, it was like a punch in his stomach. 

She wasn’t there.

Why wasn't she there?

Has something else happened to her?

Was she hurt again?

Did she go too far?

Was she unconscious in some bathroom or in her room, a puddle of blood around her? 

When Severus felt the panic almost get him, the door opened, and for a slice of second, he saw Minerva run into his classroom panicking, saying that someone found Miss Granger dead somewhere.

But it was her. It was Hermione. Alive.

She ran towards her chair, everyone expecting him to yell at her, but he was so stunned in seeing her alive, and well, that his mind shut down for a couple of minutes, trying to process the thought that she wasn’t dead.

Seeing him just staring at her in that expression of shock was more terrifying than him screaming at her. She slowly looked at Harry, trying to figure out what to do, but he was so startled as her.

After a moment later, she thought that it was better to say something.

“I’m sorry for being late, sir.”

That woke him up, and he was suddenly aware that he was still standing in the middle of the class.

He opened and closed his mouth a few times, trying to find what to say.

“I expect that does not happen again. Five points for being late, Miss Granger. And that goes to all of you. The next one that is late in my class, will lose 50 points to their houses.”

Everyone was in tense silence for a moment.

“And I expect you in my office on Saturday for your detention, Miss Granger. 

For some unknown reason, Hermione was really nervous about going to detention that Saturday. She knew in the moment she stepped into Snape’s classroom that day this was going to happen.

If only she hasn't lost track of time when she was hidden in that bathroom…

There was no turn back now.

With a deep breath, she knocked in his door office.

“Enter,” She heard him say.

“Reporting for detention, sir.”

Hermione stopped in front of his table, where he didn’t look up until finished what was writing.

“Miss Granger, there are some cauldrons that need to be clean with urgency.” Snape gestured to the pile of dirty cauldrons aside from them. “You don’t have to use magic. All you’ll use is there.”

“Yes, sir.”

Hermione sat on the chair in front of the cauldrons and started to work.

After she cleaned already two of them, she surprised herself enjoying monotonous work. There was something pleasant in seeing the dirty leave the surface and, inch by inch the cauldron shine like new. She also realised that since she got there and was busy doing something, her thoughts didn’t run to bad stuff like always, actually, for the first time in a while, she wasn’t thinking at all.

She tried to hold on to that good feeling with all her might, not thinking of  _ why _ she enjoyed cleaning too much.

Snape watched the girl for the corner of the eye. wondering what she was thinking. It was with great relief he noticed that she didn’t have so much of the emptiness in her eyes anymore, although she didn’t seem to be eating any better... 

He wanted to bring up the subject that was killing him slowly, but Severus Snape never was a man of words. He actually thought that it was easier to be a double spy.

He thought that it was better to start small... casual like it was nothing.

Snape went to the cauldron that he was working on previously and poured the liquid into a glass

Hermione was already in her fifth clean cauldron, seeming to really enjoy her progress. He wouldn’t complain about either. They shined like new.

“Miss Granger?”

Snape broke her concentration, and she looked up, with the same expression as she had just seen him for the first time.

“Here.” He handed the cup.

She took the cup confused.

“Sir?”

“Poppy asked to give you this.”

“What is it?” She asked, examining the content.

“A nutritious potion. It was brought to her attention that you weren’t eating well.”

Half a lie. Poppy said that she needed to hydrate herself, he was just helping a little.

Hermione was hesitant, seeming like she wanted to ask something.

“What is it?”

“I’m sorry, sir. But...you have to agree with me that after everything that we’ve been through, double check is important. Do you mind?”

_ Smart girl.  _ “No. Go ahead.”

Snape was expecting her to use her wand, but was surprised when she just whispered an incantation. 

“Wandless spell?” He tried to hide the surprise in his voice, but it wasn’t very successful. “When did you learn Wandless Spells?”

“In your class, actually, sir.” Hermione's cheeks were rapidly gaining a pink tone. “After that, I was interested and started to practice.” Seeming satisfied with the diagnosis, she took the potion. “Thank you, sir.”

She took a small sip, and then another; trying to identify what she was drinking.

Snape never realised how funny it was when she was trying to figure something out.

“That’s not the typical Wiggenweld potion, is it?” She asked after a while.

“No.”

She was in deep thought for a second, and then concluded: 

“Salamander blood, isn’t?”

Snape was silent for a moment.

“What gave it away?”

“The colour and taste. Usually, Salamanders blood makes things sweeter.”

Snape didn’t want to admit he was impressed. Not only she showed an unusual skill for Wandless spell, as an excellent potion student. In all those years of teaching, he never knew someone so talented as Hermione. Not that he ever would say that out loud.

“Finish the cleaning.”

Hermione didn’t even feel the time pass by. Before she noticed, she was cleaning the last cauldron.

“I’m finished, Professor.” She informed him.

Snape looked up from what he was writing with a funny face, like he couldn’t believe her.

“I’m sorry?”

“I said that I finished.”

Damn it! How much time had passed and he didn’t bring up the subject? Now she was finished, meaning that the detention was over, and he hadn’t the courage to talk to her. Double spying. Definitely easier.

Snape got up and examined her work.

“How do you do it?”

“What?”

“Clean them so well without magic.”

“Well… At home, I cleaned much more dirty things than that. It was actually pretty easy.”

Snape looked at her again, like she was a strange creature.

“Very well then. I suppose you can go now.” Snape said, against his better judgment.

“Thank you, sir.”

Hermione took her things and walked towards the door, but then stopped.

“Sir?’

“Yes?”

“I was wondering…” She began, walking back to his table. “Can I come back? The other weekend I mean. Not to brew something” She added quickly. “I can clean the room or the shelfs… Really anything you want.”

“Are you a house-elf, Miss Granger?”

“No, sir! That’s not-”

“Do you want another detention?” Snape asked, confused.

Hermione just struggled.

“Why?”

“Well…” Hermione took a deep breath, “I like it. Cleaning, I mean. It keeps me distracted. And… It’s also an opportunity to learn more. And… I will do something with my time.”

“Don’t you want to stay with your friends?” Snape enquired.

Hermione looked down, and went quiet. “I’m not very much social these days.”

Snape watched the girl for a moment. 

It would give him another chance to talk to her about what he saw, and perhaps, convince her to stop with it.

Now that he knew the truth, it would be hard to ignore. “Very well. You can come back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of fuffly before things get dark again! What do you think?
> 
> Have a nice week!


	5. Hard Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, you guys!  
> I know, it's been a while! I've been sick and unable to write, but now I'm back!
> 
> I wanted to make something clear.  
> This story is important to me. It's dark, and heavy, but it's a process of cure and hope. I want to make this so you, reader, know that it doesn't matter how hard things are now, it'll get better. Don't give up, even if it seemes like there's no hope for you.
> 
> It will be okay eventually. I promise.
> 
> PS: A long chapter to reward you guys for the delay
> 
> PPS: I had to remake the chapter, and add something, sorry!

In the days that passed, Hermione felt a considerable improvement. It had been days that her mind didn’t shut down, and she was even paying better attention in class.

She didn’t know what had caused this. She guessed that it was something to do with going that next weekend to Snape’s office and help. It gave her the feeling that she was helping in something important (even though she knew it wasn't), and that was satisficing.

Her friends also noticed the change of behaviour with grand relief.

“So, you’re going to Hogsmeade with us, right?” Ginny asked when they were in the common room that day.

Hermione looked up from her _21 important magic spells for potions_ book biting her lip.

“No… Ginny, I’m sorry. I’m going to Professor Snape’s office again.”

Ginny and Harry shared glances.

“He gave you detention again?” Harry asked.

“No. I offered myself to help.”

“And he _let_ you?

“Yeah…”

“What? Why would you do that?” Ginny inquired.

“What’s the best way of applying for Potions Mastery if not with a very talent professor?”

“You thinking about Potions Mastery?” Harry raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah, You know that’s something I always enjoyed,” Hermione said, feeling a little pressured. “Why?”

“I don’t know.” Harry laughed, and Hermione felt a bit of the tension disappear. “I always thought that you were going to be Minister of Magic or something.”

“Are you kidding?” Ginny also laughed. “Hermione made a perfect Polyjuice Potion when she was 12 years old, in a girl’s bathroom! She would never be part of the Ministry!”

“Ginny’s right! I can't bear the thought of that being my everyday life.”

They laughed, and once again, Harry and Ginny exchanged looks.

“Well… I guess that means we’ll be co-workers, then.” Harry said, expecting her reaction.

“What?!” Hermione almost dropped her book in excitement. “But I thought that you wanted to be an Auror!”

“Well, that was the plan. But… After everything, I realised that it wouldn’t make me happy. After Voldemort, I want peace, and I don’t want to leave Hogwarts. It’s my home. Besides, it would be like DA again, and Merlin knows how proud I was in teaching, you guys.”

“Oh, my God, Harry!” Hermione gave a tight hug on her friend. “I’m so happy for you!”

“How lucky the students going to be with you two as professors.” Ginny said, “I wish I could be this lucky.”

“So, have you talked with Snape yet?”

“No… Not yet.” She answered.”I’m kinda nervous about that.”

“Hey, don’t worry. You can talk to Mcgonagall first.” Harry reassured her.

“Yeah, I’m sure she will support you.” Ginny tapped her in the shoulders.

Hermione smiled at her friends. They were right. Everything was going to be alright.

“So, how are you preparing for N.E.W.T.s?”

The week passed like a blur for Hermione. Before she knew it, it was already Saturday, and she was having breakfast before going to Snape's office again, while the rest of the class was going to Hogsmeade.

"Are you sure you aren't coming with us?" Ginny asked for the fifth time that day.

“Yes, Ginny. I'm sure. You two enjoy a very romantic morning.

The owl delivery arrived at the salon at that moment.

Hermione, as usual, expected nothing. After her parents were forgotten, she had no one left to write.

So, it was a big surprise to notice that not only one owl stopped in front of her, but two.

"Who's writing to you?" Harry asked.

"It's not Ron again, is it? If it is, I'm going to rip his head off. Ginny said.

"I don't believe it is. He gave up after you kicked him in the balls," Harry said, almost laughing.

“Well done, Hermione! Maybe that will teach him not to kiss everyone he sees in front of him." Ginny replied. "Fuckling moron..."

Hermione was no longer paying attention to her friends, instead, her entire focus was on the handwriting she knew quite well by now.

_To: Hermione Granger_

_From: Professor Snape_

Hermione’s heart beat fast. Not from fear, but excitement. She had no idea what Snape could have written her, but she was eager to discover.

_Miss Granger,_

_I expect you in my office at 8:30 am. Don’t be late;_

_Severus Snape_

Hermione thought for a moment. Was he trying to confirm? Was he trying to say that he wanted her there?

“Snape?” Ginny teased, reading the letter. “Is he afraid that you might change your mind?

Hermione rolled her eyes but didn’t reply. Maybe that’s what he was trying to do.

“And the other?” Harry asked, gesturing to the unopened paper.

She opened the letter and read. Her friends slowly saw all colour leave Hermione’s face.

“Hermione, are you okay? You’re pale.” Harry asked, frowning.

“What's wrong?”

Ginny tried to see the letter, but Hermione got up so fast that she almost fell into the ground.

“I’m okay, thank you. I need to get going. Have.. Have something to do.”

Snape was watching the girl from the teacher's table - as he did now - when she stormy left the room with a letter. What happened? 

One moment ago, Snape was satisfied in see that Hermione was finally talking and laughing with her friends again. She was present and visible better.

A wave of fear passed through him.

What had happened?

Hermione was late.

How it was possible? He sent the letter precisely so that she would not be late.

Snape felt like there was a storm in his heart, and worry was killing him.

It was that letter. He was sure of it. But the question was: His letter left her that way?

An unexpected knock on the door broke off all his thoughts.

It was her.

“Reporting for detention, sir.” 

“You’re late.”

“I’m sorry, sir. I lost track of time.” She apologized in a whisper.

“I see that's becoming a habit, no?” He affirmed, coldly, immediately regretting.

“I’m sorry, sir,” Hermione said again.

Snape took a deep breath, forcing his heart to calm down. It was no use in lecturing the girl. If anything, that would make things worse.

“Today I need you to categorize the ingredients on my shelf. Let me show you how it's done.”

Hermione nodded, happy to do something with her time following the teacher to the room he kept his ingredients. She was still shaken for the letter that she received, but the pain in her left arm was a relief and a scape. She was fine, for now.

“I usually organize them for alphabetic order, as well for what they’re used, are you understanding, Miss Granger?” Annoyance filled Snape’s voice when she didn’t seem to be paying attention again.

“Yes, Professor. Alphabetical order who they are used and-” She hissed in pain, grabbing her arms.

He narrowed his eyes for her, feeling sudden fear

“What was that?”

His fear was just growing stronger when Hermione looked terrified at him, paler than the ghosts that lived in the castle. She didn’t seem to know what to say.

“Are you hurt?” He knew she was. He knew. Just not how bad.

Hermione shook her head, too terrified to speak.

“Give me your arm, Miss Granger.” He demanded.

Hermione was so pale that he was sure at any moment she could pass out.

“Show it to me.”

She was shaking badly. Snape noticed she glancing at the door, thinking if she had a good chance of running away.

“Let me see it.” He ordered, not being able to control the anger in his voice any longer.

Hermione had no choice, she knew that. Tears started to fall from her eyes when she slowly put her arm in his hands.

Snape tried to breathe deeply, he had to be gentle, even if he felt like screaming. His touch was delicate like she was made of glass. He rolled up her sleeve kindly and held his breath.

There was nothing there, except the blood coming out from nowhere.

“Glamours…” Snape conclude, not looking at her. “Finite incantatem.” He whispered, not ready what he was about to see.

It was worse. So much worse than the last time. The new wounds were bleeding, and what was trying to heal was now open again. Guity hit him like a train. He should have done something sooner.

Hermione was sobbing desperately, shaking her head like the vision in front of her could disappear.

Severus was in shock for one second and then started to move. He guided her to the chair next to them, sitting her down, his hands still holding her arm, he sat in front of her.

 _“Accio_ _Dittany_ _!”_

A brown vial with yellow cream reached his hands seconds later. 

He tried to hold her arms but she deviated from his touch like he hands was fire and could burn her skin.

“Miss Granger, I’m going to apply this in these wounds. I’ll not hurt you. Let me help.” His voice was monotonous and calm, trying to cover the despair that he was feeling deep down, his heartbreaking at ich cry from Hermione.

Severus looked at her carefully, trying to make sure she understood what he said. He took her arms once again, whispered a healing incantation and spread over the entire length of the wounds. After that, he conjured a lavender-smelling cloth and wrapped it around her arms.

He looked at her with sorrow. The girl was fighting to breathe between her cries and pain.

Snape leaned closer, looking for her eyes.

“Miss Granger, I need you to calm down.” He whispered gently, more gently than he even talked to someone. “Breathe.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry!” She managed to say between suffocating gasps.

Snape shook his head before she could finish.

“Miss Granger, you need to control your breathing.”

“I can't. I can't. I can't. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry”

She was on the verge of hysteria. He knew that if she didn’t breathe properly, she would pass out again.

“Miss Granger.” He called firmly, but somehow gently at the same time. Without thinking, he took her hands on his. In that act, she locked her eyes on his. “You’re okay. You’re safe.” He affirmed. “Now, I need you to copy me. Can you do that?”

She nodded slowly.

“You’ll take a deep breath.” He showed how, as she tried to copy. “Hold it. Let go. Again…”

Snape didn’t know how long they stayed like that. The room was silent, except for the sound of rhythmic breaths and weak cries. eventually, what was desperate cries became silent tears.

After a minute or two, Snape broke the silence.

“It there more?”

He was afraid that the question could cause another panic attack, but he needed to know. He needed to know if there was more. He needed to see if any wound was just in the edge of a deathly infection. For his surprise, Hermione was deathly calm. Like she was kissed by a dementor and her soul had left her body. Snape didn’t think that was an improvement.

The girl didn’t meet his eyes but shook her head.

Snape let go a breath that he didn’t know he was holding.

Okay. Now what? What he was going to do with her? How was he supposed to act? Snape thought that he could’ve done something sooner, but what he was supposed to do?

He couldn’t lecture her, whatever abhorrence words he had in his mind, was nothing compared to how she would punish herself.

After a long silence, Snape took another breath and spoke.

“What happened?”

This question was complicated. What could happen for someone feel so much emotional pain that the only way they can have some peace is inflicting physical pain? What could happen to feel such despair, sorrow and anger? Snape could think of some things.

Hermione didn’t say anything, and he wasn’t expecting her to do it, but he needed to keep going.

“Miss Granger, look at me... Please.” 

That was a word that he didn’t use often and Hermione knew that. She looked up, meeting his eyes.

“I see that these…” Snape gestured to the several healing scars in her arm, she immediately turned away. “are not new.”

Hermione seemed to have lost her voice. Snape sighed.

“Miss Granger if you don’t start talking to me, I’ll have to bring this to Headmistress knowledge.” Hermione looked at him with fear, tears already fulfilling her eyes. He wished that was more an affirmation than a threat, so he quickly added “And that's something that I don't wish to do. So, talk to me.”

She didn’t reply, but he could see that she was willing to cooperate

"How long you've been covering this?"

Hermione looked away.

“Since I was 13.” She answered in a small voice.

Snape had to use all his self-control to not scream. A child. A child in so much pain that had to do that with herself. But, if she started to hurt herself that young, that couldn’t be just the effects of war. 

“Why you did it today?” 

Hermione looked at him and nodded her head.

Okay. Too personal.

“Professor… It’s not so bad-” Hermione tried to make an excuse, but stopped talking when Snape hissed in anger.

"You don't think that's bad? Are you looking at it?!" He showed her own arms to her, like wanting to prove a point. Hermione couldn't bring herself to look what she had done to herself.

Hermione lowed her head slowly. “I’m fine…”

"You're not fine!" Snape shouted, taking a deep, trying to calm himself. “Miss Granger, I believe you don't understand how serious that is. This cannot keep going.” Snape watched the colour get back to Hermione’s face. Bright red.

“What?” Her voice was cold, almost deathly. Something so different from the Hermione he knew. Snape spend a lot of time with Voldemort to know when he said something wrong. “Who the hell are you to tell me how to live my life?!"

“I’m not trying to say how to live your life, Granger!” Snape replied colder. “But believe me when I say that’s a weak and fragile way of dealing with pain.”

Hermione seemed to have been slapped in the face, anger turning her face red.

“Oh, please, enlighten me with your so extended knowledge of how to deal with sadness, Professor. You! You that know _everything_ about that, explain to me how I can deal with _my_ pain! That, for the record, you have _no idea_ what it is about.” Hermione's sarcasm was sharper than any knife.

Hermione’s face was red with anger, and so was Snape’s.

_How dare she? How does she dare?!_

“You don’t know what you’re saying, Granger.” Snape guaranteed, his voice dangerously cold. All sadness that he was feeling for her was now gone. “I suggest you watch your tone when speaking to me. I am still your Professor and I _demand_ respect. Leave. Now."

Hermione seemed stunned for a brief moment and got up.

“Just because you were a Death Eater, sir, doesn’t mean you know all sorrows in life.”

She walked slowly to the door, not looking behind, leaving Snape with his bubbling anger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, leave a comment! Tell me what you think! It makes me really happy!


	6. Regrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys! Guess what?! I have a beta!!  
> Her name is Katherine (Sayvell on AO3) and she is amazing!  
> In the next few weeks Kat and I will be reviewing the previous chapters, and undoing the million mistakes they have!
> 
> I know this is a short chapter, but I needed to do it. I promise next week it will be bigger!

How dare she?  _ How dare she? _

Snape was  stalking  from one corner to the other of his office, his rage taking him over.

How dare she say those things to him?! What does she know about pain?!

_ Well enough to do what she does… _ A voice in the back of his head said, but he didn’t listen, he was still too angry at her.

Snape sat angrily in his chair, summoning a cup of glass and firewhisky.

How could she dismiss everything he had been through like it was nothing?

That’s what he gets for trying to help! But why should he expect something different from a Gryffindor with a craze for greatness? All those years with Dumbledore didn’t teach him anything?!

But, despite all the anger, Severus felt worried. 

Granger was going on a dangerous path, and one wrong move could be deadly. He didn’t want to think about it, because each time he did,  his heart would squeeze tightly while it felt as though his stomach had dropped to the floor .

Severus sighed.

He should’ve been more careful with the words he chose. Of course she knew that she had stop! Hermione Granger could be a lot of things, but stupid wasn’t one of them. Now, only Merlin  knows how much damage he had caused.

No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't get her terrified look out of his head.

Severus groaned. Great. Now he had to figure out a way to make this right.

Severus asked himself, why did he care anyway?! Why did he care if the Head Girl wasn't paying attention in class? Why did he care if some Gryffindor was hurting? Why did he care if her arms were covered in cuts and scars? Why did he care that one wrong move could push her over the edge and someone would end up finding her dead in some hallway?

He should not care. It wasn’t his business! He wouldn’t.

There. He wouldn't. Great.

Yeah, great.

Damn it!

Hermione felt like the whole world was crushing down on her chest. Snape’s words cut deeper than any blade ever could.

Weak. A weak way of dealing with pain. Weak. Hermione Granger was a weak freak.

She had no idea where her feet were taking her and only when she found herself in the middle of her empty room, did she begin to regain some awareness.

It was too much. For anyone. Hermione felt herself sob violently when she threw herself at the bed.

She took her wand without a second thought, immediately whispering  _ malus malum.  _ Her wand seemed reluctant to obey the command, like it was aware that its owner wanted to harm herself, but not long enough, a little red light appeared at the tip of her wand.

Hermione smiles with the irony of the situacion.  _ Malus Malum  _ was her creation, just like sectumsempra was Snape’s. The only difference was that Sectumsempra was created to punish others.  _ Malus Malum  _ was created to punish herself. 

She raised her right arm ready to cut it but stopped. The cloth that Snape had placed on her arm smelled like lavender, and for some reason, just that fact made more tears fall from Hermione's eyes. She took it off carefully and looked at her scars. The cuts that were bleeding before she entered Snape’s office were now almost healed.

She wanted to do it. She desperately needed it to do it.  _ Release the pain. Just one cut. That’s all it takes. _ Hermione shook her head, feeling the tears fall like a waterfall and she hated herself even more. 

Weak. He was right. She  _ was _ weak. And stupid. And a coward. It was truly a joke that she was in Gryffindor. A sick joke.

She looked at the wand with swollen eyes and undid the spell. The red light disappeared, leaving only the sun as a light source.

Hermione took a deep breath to calm her shaking hands and racing heart.

She couldn’t believe she screamed at Snape. She  _ screamed _ at a former Death Eater. And worst of all, she had lost any chances of his support for  a  Potions Mastery with her little show. 

Hermione groaned. Now, she had to figure out a way of apologizing. Snape forgiving someone?

Damn it.

It was dark when an owl knocked at her window with a letter in the beak.

Hermione got up quickly, her heart racing. 

She walked over to the window, opening it for the impatient black owl, so that she could retrieve the little bundle he carried. As she took the letter from the owl, she noticed that it was heavier than she expected.

She looked at the sender and her stomach turned. It was from Snape. It was certainly to inform her that it would no longer be necessary for her to come to his office on weekends and that he would never want to look at her again.

Hermione opened the letter with trembling fingers and read.

_ Miss Granger, _

_ I’m sending you the  _ _ Dittany _ _ , as well with the potion recipe if you need more. Appy two times a day, morning and night. _

_ I expect you in my office next Saturday. _

_ Do not. Be. Late. _

_ Severus Snape. _

Hermione read the letter twice to understand what it was saying. When she finally read it the third time, a wave of relief passed through her whole body.

Snape wanted to see her next weekend! Maybe he would still support her. Maybe the situation wasn't as bad as she thought and he would still support her if she apologized. Apologized and kept her temper in check. And, most important, he took time to send her the Dittany  _ and  _ the recipe. Hermione didn’t know why but her heart filled with hope. She was seen. Somebody cared for her, even if just a little.

She went to bed that night with a smile on her face.  __

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's important that you guys tell me what you think! It really makes my day!


	7. Agreement

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Happy Monday everyone!  
> I hope you all are talking care of yourself in the middle of this craziness. Covid-19 it's no joke. Please, be careful!
> 
> I have to thank it again my lovely Kat (Sayvell)! She's amazing beta, and I'm so grateful to have her.
> 
> If you're looking for another amazing SS/HG fanfic, you might consider reading For the Only Hope by ausland, really, it's wonderful. (I don't know the author nor talk to her. I know how hard it is sometimes find a good thing to read!)
> 
> Please, be aware of the tags.

The next morning, Hermione felt like a hammer was continually smacking her head while walking to the castle owlery. 

She didn’t sleep at all the prior night, thinking about the things she needed to do. Hermione had decided to commit herself to the Potions Mastery. It certainly was something she loved. There was nothing like seeing the recipe quickly coming to life, the pleasure of stirring the cauldron slowly, watching the colours change as the smells intensified, and the satisfaction when the potion was finally finished. Much like Harry, she didn't want to leave Hogwarts; it was her home. However, unlike Harry, she couldn't afford to go somewhere else. After her parent's obliviation, her money in Gringotts was quickly dwindling, and Hermione had to think about a way of dealing with her expenses if she applied to Potions.

Maybe…? There was such a thing as a scholarship at Hogwarts? In all of the years she had been there, Hermione had never even considered researching that particular subject. And, come to think of it, she never read anything regarding scholarships or funding in  _ Hogwarts: A History. _ She knew that the school provided some income for first year Muggleborn students, but that was the extent of her knowledge.

So, when the first rays of sunshine passed through her window, she got up and decided to write to the Headmistress, hoping that Minerva could help her with all that.

“Going somewhere, Miss Granger?” 

A voice behind her made Hermione jump a little. Her heart froze when she realized who the voice belonged to.

“By Merlin, are you following me, or something?” Hermione said, before she could stop herself. She felt as if her heart had stopped again once as she realized what she had said. 

Hermione turned around and found Snape looking at her with a raised eyebrow. “I see that screaming at me wasn’t enough for you. Now you are accusing me of following one of my students around in my spare time.”

Hermione stammered, trying to find the words amid nervousness. “I-I’m sorry, sir. I-I-I didn’t mean that. I'm sure you have more interesting things to do than following me around."

Snape had to fight really hard to keep a straight face.

“In that, we can agree.”

Hermione moved uncomfortably, shifting her weight from one leg to the other, trying to find the words she wanted to say. After the “little chat” they had on the previous day it was difficult to face the Professor.

“Look, sir. I am sorry for what I said yesterday.” Hermione said. “I had no right to say those things. I’m sure you had the best of intentions, as always. And I acted truly… I acted badly. I’m sorry.”

Snape was silent for a couple of minutes. She was  _ apologizing  _ to him. No one had ever done that. He was always the one that apologizes for  _ everything _ , especially with Lily. No student ever said, “Sorry” to him. No one, except Hermione.

“Did you hurt yourself after our… conversation?”

Hermione's eyes went wide. It was painful to hear someone say it out loud “No, sir.”

Snape nodded. “I believe that my choice of words wasn’t the best. But I stick with my statement that you must stop. One wrong move and this could be deadly.”

Hermione looked down and nodded. “I know, sir. I know.”

Of course, she did. She had known for a long time. 

Snape looked at the girl, feeling something squeeze his heart.

“Miss Granger, come with me, please.”

Hermione struggled for a moment “Of course, sir. I would be happy to… But, if you don’t mind, I would like to go to the owlery and send a letter first. It's important.”

Snape considered for a moment. 

“Very well. I accompany you.” 

“Oh!” Hermione was surprised. “If you wish to.”

They walked in silence before Snape spoke. 

“Did you sleep at all, Miss Granger?” 

Hermione noticed that he was watching her with care, not taking his eyes off of the deep dark circles under her eyes.

“Yes, sir.” 

“Liar. I thought you were smarter than that. Don’t you know that I’m a Legilimens? And even then, it wouldn't require any great skill with legilimency to know that lying is not one of your talents, Miss Granger.”

“And that's a bad thing, sir?” She asked, raising an eyebrow. Snape just  _ knew  _ it was a kind of challenge.

“Considering the circumstances, no,” Snape replied, and Hermione couldn’t help but feel the corner of her mouth go up a little.

After the owl that Hermione chose went flying out the window, they walked slowly towards the dungeons.

“Are you always awake this early, Professor,” Hermione asked, trying to start a conversation.

“Yes.” Snape replied, “When you’re a professor, you have more things to do than the students”.

“Well, I hope I will soon realise that,” Hermione softly said to herself, but Snape wasn't paying much attention at that moment.

Snape opened the door and Hermione entered the familiar chamber, sitting in the chair in front of the table. The sudden understanding of the subject that Snape wanted to discuss hit like a train and Hermione's hands started to shake.

Severus took the chair on the opposite side of the table from her and put his hands together, watching her carefully.

“Miss Granger, I’m sure you know why you’re here.” 

“Yes, sir.” Hermione looked down, instinctively holding her arms.

“You know that I cannot allow you to continue hurting yourself," Snape said, his voice rough with agitation. "I must ensure that appropriate steps are taken to help you, as your Professor, of course,” he seemed to hastily add.

Hermione looked up with despair.

“Professor, please,  _ please,  _ I beg you. Don’t take this to the Headmistress! I’ll stop! I promise! I won’t do it anymore, but  _ please,  _ don’t say anything about this to anyone.” Hermione begged, hating that tears were already in her eyes.

“The problem is, Miss Granger, that I don’t believe you will stop,” Snape said, with his hands still together. “Self-harm, it’s like muggle drugs. You cannot stop just like that.”

He was right. She knew that he was right. And now she was lost because he knew.

“However, I am willing to keep this information to myself-” At his words, Hermione looked up. “If you agree to make an agreement with me.”

Hermione narrowed her eyes at him, but let him continue.

“Whenever you feel the urge to harm yourself, it doesn’t matter what I’m doing, I want you to come to me. If you let me cast a spell that warns me whenever you try to hurt yourself, then I'll let you help me during the weekends, since it is something you seem to enjoy.

Hermione was silent for a moment, staring at the floor.

“Why?” She asked suddenly, “Why do you care? With all due respect, sir, of all people, you were the last one I ever thought would care about me.”

Severus was taken aback by her question.While Hermione wasn't trying to make an accusation again, the real issue with her question was what it implied. Hermione's question further hinted at the depths of her depression; she seemed to truly believe that no one really cared about her well being.. She was only expected to care for others, not the other way around. The now-familiar squeeze in his chest happened again.

“Miss Granger, pay attention to this because I’ll only say it once. You’re brilliant. In all my years teaching in this school, I never met someone as talented as you are. It pains... It would be a waste of magical skill if you let yourself be destroyed.”

Hermione faced the professor with só much coldness and numbness in her formerly brilliant eyes that it was almost scary for Snape.

“I already am, Professor.”

Snape looked at her with a neutral expression while he tried to cover up how deeply her words terrified him.

“Is that really what you believe?”

“Yes, sir.”

Snape felt a shiver pass through his body when he realised that Hermione truly believed that. She believed that she was broken forever, that she was “unfixable”, that harming herself was the only way of releasing her pain. How could she believe that she was irreparably broken? What had happened to her? What caused her to believe in that hideous lie? 

“You are not, Miss Granger. Nothing lasts forever, not even sadness.”

He saw that Hermione didn’t believe him, but didn’t argue.

“Do you ever have thoughts of ending your life?" Snape asked carefully. He had to know how bad her situation was.

Hermione fought between telling the truth or lying for a while.

“Do you swear not to say a word to  _ anyone _ ?” 

“You have my word,” Snape promised. Although he knew he would regret making that promise, he needed to get her to talk and this was the only way he knew she would.

Hermione took a deep breath, moving uncomfortably in the chair. “Yes.”

Snape swallowed. “How often?”

Hermione hesitated, making a face, as if ashamed to admit a big flaw. “Often.”

Snape nodded, looking away.

“Do you have any plans for the future? What are you going to do after Hogwarts?” Snape needed to know if she had any ambitions for the future. Anything she could look forward to.”

Hermione looked up at him with her mouth open in surprise, searching for a way to express herself.

“Oh, boy, I didn’t think we would have this conversation now.”

“Why? What do you mean?” Snape narrowed his eyes at her with curiosity.

Hermione moved in the chair again, putting her hands together on the table. 

“As a matter of fact, I do, sir. It came to my mind that I could study as an apprentice and then apply for a… Potions Mastery.” The last part was just a whisper, so soft that Severus wasn’t sure if he had heard right.

“Potions?”

“Yes. But I’m still considering it!” She added quickly. “I don’t know if I’m actually going to do it. There are a lot of barriers in the way and I don’t know if I’m going to have financial support or if I’ll have the Headmistress’s support, or if-” Hermione was talking so fast that Severus was sure he missed one or two sentences.

“Miss Granger, stop talking.”

Hermione shut her mouth at the same moment, exhaling deeply.

Snape leaned back in his chair, thinking. 

“Are you sure about this?”

“There’s a lot to consider yet, sir.”

“Such as?” Snape asked.

Hermione was silent for a couple of seconds, her cheeks turning pink in embarrassment.

“Such as financial support.”

_ Oh _ . Of course! Hermione was a muggle-born. Her  _ parents  _ paid for all things she used in Hogwarts. It was common knowledge, at least among those closest to her, that Hermione had Obliviated her parents' memories and was now very much on her own.

“Have you talked with Minerva about this?”

“No, sir. That letter was actually for her, explaining the situation.”

Snape held back the teasing. As if Minerva would really say no to the Gryffindor Lioness. Snape did not doubt that Minerva herself would pay from her salary, if it meant that Hermione could have Potions Mastery.

“I think that will not be a problem, Miss Granger.”

Hermione’s eyes lit up a little.

“Do you believe so, sir?”

Severus looked at the girl almost smirking.

“Don’t you know Minerva could never say ‘no’ to you? Especially in this?” Snape asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Oh, no sir! I don’t think-”

“And what about your N.E.W.T’s?” Snape interrupted her, not wanting to hear meaningless denial. “I expect nothing less than Outstanding in Potions, Exceeds Expectations in DADA and Herbology.”

“I’m aware sir. I didn’t expect anything less from you.” Hermione affirmed. If he didn’t know better, he could believe that was a compliment. “But, what do  _ you  _ think? Would  _ you  _ accept me as your apprentice?”

Snape put his hands together.

It would be a new experience. Snape had never had an apprentice before. However Hermione, as much as he hated to admit it out loud, was the most qualified student he ever had the "pleasure" of teaching, If anyone had the ability to apply for potions, it would be her. The potions field needed people like her. Qualified, interested and smart enough to be able to help with potions evolution and discoveries. And, although Snape detested people messing around with his stuff, he knew Granger was careful. He only prayed he wouldn’t regret that decision. 

“Yes. I would. I believe you’re not brainless like the rest of the students. You have average intelligence, capable enough.”

Hermione’s eyes lit up a little more. Snape just complimented her! Severus Snape, the Potions Master, just complimented Hermione Granger, the annoying know-it-all.

“Thank you, sir! I really appreciate it.”

Severus wasn’t used to thanks and kindness, so he moved uncomfortably in the chair.

“Very well. Do we have a deal?”

Hermione hesitated for a moment and then nodded.

“Yes. We have a deal.”

A really heavy weight lifted from Snape’s heart, just from knowing that he would be able to tell when she was hurting herself.

“Very well. Give me your arm.”

Hermione hesitated one more again, seeming more uncomfortable this time.

“I believe that’s part of our deal?” Snape instead.

Hermione sighed, putting her arms in his hands, and looking away right after. She couldn’t bring herself to watch.

Snape waved his wand delicately, whispering the charm like a lullaby. Hermione slowly raised her head and looked at him. She never realised how truly beautiful his voice was until now. It was deep, mysterious… It could whisper in your ear like a secret song.

Hermione was so taken by his voice, that Snape was done before she could notice. She moved around a little bit. It didn’t feel different. 

“You can go now. Breakfast must be at the table, and I should not take your time any longer.”

Seeing that she was dismissed, Hermione got up from the chair with a smile on her face and a little bit of hope in her heart.

“I’ll see you at the table, sir. Thank you again.”

Hermione left the room and Severus felt like he could breathe again. He leaned back in the chair, trying to relax, reviewing the conversation he had again and again. 

It went better than he expected. At least she didn’t scream at him this time, and the conflict of the day before was solved. Now he would know every time she wished to harm herself and would try everything he could to stop it.

Hearing that Hermione really  _ did  _ think about suicide was a punch in the guts, but at least he knew partially what he was dealing with. He also knew that she was expecting something. She was looking forward to it, and to know that it was with something that he had taught her…

He would talk to Minerva soon as possible. He had to make sure this would work out.

Seeing the sparkle of anticipation and excitement in Hermione's eyes again brought a sense of relief to Severus' heart that he didn't know he could feel The girl was not destroyed. She was in pieces, for sure, but the sparkle in her eyes just now was proof that she could still heal. She could rebuild herself and rise again.

That thought made Severus feel lighter, and the fear that the girl was in imminent danger dissipated just a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Our couple are coming a bit closer! 
> 
> So, what do you think? Tell me your thoughts, they make my day!
> 
> See you all the next monday!


	8. Meeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Monday Everyone!
> 
> How are you guys doing in the middle of the craziest year ever? I have absolutely sure that we're in a movie, just don't know that yet.
> 
> Please, stay safe, and if you can, fight. Make your voice be heard. Don't eccept nothing less that is yours by right. We cannot let bad people get away with their actions without a consequence. But, please, stay safe.
> 
> As always, I have to thank my lovely Kat! Without her, I would probably lost already! I don't deserve her! 
> 
> Be nice with this one, it's a transition point. Things are going to start get more interesting soon.

“Severus, I was expecting you, my boy!” Minerva greeted Snape with a smile.

It was already late at night when the Headmistress agreed to see the Professor. Snape didn’t mind as long he could have this solved by the morning.

“I’m glad that you sent a patronus. I want to talk to you.”

Snape raised an eyebrow. 

“I suspect we need to talk about the same subject then.”

“Oh, wonderful!” Minerva went to her table and got out a letter, “Perhaps something to do with a student who wishes to study for a Mastery in Potions?” She sat in the chair and gestured for Snape to do the same, and continued: “This morning, an owl brought a letter with exciting news. Hermione Granger wants to be your apprentice! I have to say, I am quite pleased.” Minerva seemed to be exuding happiness. “But she also came to me with some worries that I need to discuss with you.”

“I'm satisfied with anything, as long as Miss Granger can accomplish this.”

Minerva frowned. “I didn’t expect that you would be so willing to make this agreement. From what I know about you, you wouldn’t enjoy having an apprentice messing with your stuff. Especially when this apprentice is a Gryffindor and best friend of the Boy-Who-Lived”

Snape wanted to tell her, but he couldn’t. Severus gave his word to Hermione and the last thing he needed now was break the girl’s trust.

“Miss Granger came to me soon after she wrote the letter to you.” Half a lie “She wanted to know my opinion.”

“So do I. Tell me, what do you think?”

“I don’t see why not.” He simply said. “Miss Granger is a regular student, with enough skills to do it so.”

Minerva scoffed. “I’m sorry, Severus, but Hermione Granger is anything _but_ ‘regular’. You have taught her for far too long to know that.”

 _Minerva couldn’t miss a chance to defend her little lioness, could she?_ Snape thought for himself. "Yes, yes, she has certainly impressed her professors," Severus snapped, impatient to keep the conversation moving.

McGonagall sniffed at such a predictable response from the prickly Potions Master, "That aside, what would you require from her in regards to her NEWTs?"

"Outstanding in Potions, of course, Exceeds Expectations in DADA and Herbology, Acceptable in Charms."

“I don’t think that’s going to be an issue for her. Hermione is further ahead in her studies than any other student in her year.”

Severus nodded in response, but then Minerva's smile seemed a bit strained.

“There's just one problem. With Hermione's parents Oblviated, she is on her own and no longer has their financial support to rely on. I want you to help me think of a way to help her.”

“Isn’t it obvious? What about the scholarship?”

“The scholarship is given to kids; more precisely, muggle-borns who don’t have any notion what Hogwarts is. Hermione is an adult, the Ministry is not going to accept this.” 

“Not even for the girl that helped save the Wizarding World?!” Snape felt his anger grow. Those bastards never cared about anything besides their own asses.

“No. I know. I’ve tried, Severus. But I don't have the same influence over the Ministry that Albus did.” Minerva’s voice was rough and deep, showing all the anger that she felt.

"What are you thinking about instead then?" Severus asked.

“I don't know.” Minerva sighed, seeming tired. “But I’ll not let this get in the way of Hermione’s future. I'd cover her expenses myself, if I thought she would allow it.” Severus felt the corners of his mouth going up. It was exactly what he thought she would say.

"Have you spoken with her yet?"

"No. I thought it would be better to talk to you first. I didn't want to give the girl false hopes."

“We cannot lose this chance, Minerva. We need people like her.”

“I know…” They stayed in silence for a moment, when suddenly Minerva had an idea. “Severus, is it true the girl has been helping you on the weekends?”

Snape narrowed his eyes. “Yes, why?”

“We can use this!” Minerva exclaimed happily. "Think about it! She's already helping you! We can offer to make her assistance a more formal arrangement and pay her a small amount of money like a salary."

"Do you really think that the girl would accept this?! She's a proud, stubborn Gryffindor! And I don't say that as a compliment." Severus replied.

Minerva smiled, a hint of sadness in her features. “I don’t think she has a choice in this matter, at least not now.” 

Snape was silent for a moment. Hermione was a proud girl, she would hate having to depend on others. She always wanted to prove herself, and she would feel like she was falling by accepting help. She was the one that always helped others. But Minerva was right, she didn’t have another choice if she truly wanted to follow this path.

“Very well. I don’t see another option.”

Minerva put her hands together, seeming satisfied. “Great! Tomorrow we will speak to her, before the beginning of class.” 

* * *

Hermione’s heart beat fast in her chest when she sat in front of the Headmistress the next morning. She had received an owl at breakfast requiring her presence in Headmistress’s office before classes started to “discuss some matters”. Hermione tried not to imagine the worst possible scenarios, but her mind her mind didn't want to cooperate, even when she saw the kind smile Minerva gave her, offering a cup of tea.

“We'll start our meeting briefly, my dear. We’re just expecting another person.” Minerva told Hermione, taking a ship of her tea.

Expecting another person…. 

Hermione’s heart missed a beat. Snape told Minerva about her… Problem. Hermione was sure of it! Now everyone would think that she was a freak that enjoyed hurting herself!

But… No. Snape promised, right? He wouldn’t tell her, they had a deal. Hermione hadn’t hurt herself since their conversation. Snape wouldn't tell Minerva about her self-harm. The Professor could be a lot of things, but he was a man of his word.

“Are you okay, Hermione? You look pale.” The Headmistress frowned.

“Yes, I’m well Professor McGonagall, thank you for asking.”

Just then, Hermione heard a knock on the door that made her jump a little. Snape entered the office with his dark robes following behind. He didn’t ask permission or look at her. Snape just sat in the chair next to Hermione, facing the Headmistress. But Hermione couldn’t take her eyes off him. She just needed a confirmation… If he just looked at her, she would know…

“We’re all here, then!” Minerva exclaimed, putting her hands together on the table, looking at Hermione. “I called Professor Snape about the letter that I received yesterday. About your interest in Potions.”

Hermione's heart momentarily filled with relief, just for it give a lurch as she remembered a whole new set of worries.

“Uh… yes, I do have aspirations of teaching Potions here at Hogwarts someday.” Hermione said, trying to sound confident.

Minerva smiled. “It would be an honour, my child!”

That made Hermione smile.

“But you also made me aware of some of the problems you’re dealing with?” Minerva continued, and Hermione’s smile dropped.

“Yes. I’m worried that I’ll not be able to afford all of the materials I’ll need, the price of the course, and so on”

Minerva’s smile dropped a little. “I see. Hermione, Unfortunately, Hogwarts doesn’t provide that kind of scholarship. But Professor Snape and I came up with something that might help.”

Hermione narrowed her eyes to Snape, but he just kept looking forward.

“Yes?”

“Well, it has come to my attention that you’re helping Professor Snape on the weekends, right?”

“Yes, I asked him if he needed help. It can be meaningless tasks too. I don’t mind. I… I like helping Professor Snape.”

Hermione thought she heard him mumble something, but he kept avoiding her gaze.

Minerva’s smile came back, bigger than before. “That is great, indeed. And we can use that to help.”

Hermione frowned in confusion. “How so?”

“Hermione, if you accept, we can pay you to help Severus with his work. It’s a small salary, but enough to help you in the beginning! Also, it’s a great way to start some more advanced studies now! You'll have the opportunity to see what teaching is truly like.” Minerva leaned herself in the chair, looking to Severus. He humphed in response.

Hermione looked at the Headmistress like she had three heads.

“You want to pay _me_ to help?”

“Quite so,” Minerva replied. 

Hermione shook her head. “I can't accept that…” 

Severus smirked with pleasure. “Told you.”

Minerva rolled her eyes for him. 

“My dear,” She brought her attention back to Hermione. “ I believe this is the best way we can help you. It would be an honour to help you achieve your goal, and I cannot let this opportunity pass you by just because of a problem that we already have an easy solution for.”

Severus watched Hermione from the corner of his eye, studying her. She was biting her lip, deep in thought. Her legs were shaking and her eyes were almost blank. Severus didn’t need to use legilimency to know she was looking some way out of this.

“It’s… Not fair to the other students.” 

“None of the other students have the same capability as you.” Severus looked at her for the first time. “Or was in the front line in the battle to save our world.”

“I… I don’t know…” Hermione moved uncomfortably in the chair.

“Hermione, dear…” Minerva took Hermione’s hands in hers. “I don't think we have much choice if you truly want this.”

Hermione lowered her head, feeling as if her whole body was burning with shame. She felt anger. sadness and despair all the same. She knew that a few hours a week, spent doing simple tasks for Snape, were hardly worth enough to cover the expensive supplies, books and other costs of the apprenticeship. And that just served as reminder just how bad her situation was. If she didn’t accept their proposal, when she finished Hogwarts next summer, he would likely have to go back to the muggle world and live with _him._

No. Even the thought of it was too terrifying.

“Very well, but I have a counter proposal.” Severus watched Hermione’s posture change from sadness to determination in one blink of an eye. “You’ll not _give_ me money. You’ll make a loan.”

Minerva gave her a proud smile. “Do go on.”

“I accept working as Professor Snape’s assistant, but when I actually work at Hogwarts, I’ll pay back you give me now.”

Hermione’s tone of voice didn’t leave space for arguments. At that moment, Severus could really see the girl who fought Voldemort, who fought the war… And, for some inexplicable reason, Snape felt proud of the Stubborn Gryffindor.

Minerva faced Snape for a brief moment, and the man nodded slightly.

“Very well, then. We have a deal.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I refuse to get old in a year I didn't live! Tomorrow I'll be making 19 years old, and in 2021, I'll be making 19, again! No one can say otherwise.
> 
> What are your thoughts on this one? Reviews make my days!
> 
> See you next week!


	9. Normality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Monday everyone! I hope you guys are well and taking care of yourself!
> 
> A little bit of fluffy and then we go back to a bit of angst.
> 
> Again, thank you so, so very much to my lovely Kat for her endless patience.
> 
> My fanfic recomendation this time is "In This Time And Another" by the_wolfling3491, it's really interesting and heartbreaking!
> 
> Hope you enjoy it!

Hermione finally felt fine. For the first time in a long time, she felt fine.

The thought that she could finally have a promising future, without depending on her parents was overwhelming! She was going to study a subject she was really passionate about, with someone who was an indisputable Master in the field. She was going to stay in Hogwarts, her home. She wouldn't have to leave and face the cruel realities of the world outside of the castle. Hermione would be safe and protected.

For the first time since the end of the war, she didn’t feel selfish in wanting to live when so many of her friends died fighting for a better world. Hermione realized that if she kept mourning what had happened, it meant that the deaths of her friends would have been in vain.

The sentiment that she, too, should be dead, like Dumbledore, Lupin, and Sirius, still hit her at the most unexpected moments. After those moments, the sadness and pain - the desire to punish herself for being alive with air in her lungs when so many of her friends would never breathe again, stayed with her for a long time afterwards. It was a vicious cycle that Hermione didn’t like.

However, it was Saturday again and it was a good day..

Hermione had told Harry the day before about the meeting she had with McGonagall and Snape, and her friend couldn’t have been more excited for her.

_ “I can't believe they’re going to give you an apprenticeship!” Harry said, still hugging his friend tight. _

_ “I can’t either!” Hermione said. “I was hoping they would, but never like this!” _

_ “You know…” Harry let go of her a little, and looked at his friend “you could’ve asked me. I would give you all the money you would need.” _

_ Hermione was shaking her head before he could finish. “I appreciate it, Harry. Truly. But I couldn’t ask that of you.” _

_ “Hermione… you’re the sister I never had. After everything you sacrificed for me, it’s the least I can do. _

_ She paused for a moment, biting her lip. _

_ “Obliviating my parents was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it wasn’t because of you. I did what I did knowing what it would cost me. I did it to protect them. And to do the right thing.” _

Hermione shook her head to get rid of those thoughts as she approached Snape’s office. She knocked softly and heard a muffled, “Enter”.

She felt a smile grow on her lips at hearing Snape’s deep voice.

“Good morning, sir.” Hermione said when she entered, the smile still hanging in her expression.

Snape looked up to face Hermione, and upon seeing her happy expression, an unexpected sense of relief passed through his whole body, making him relax. He never, in his life, thought that a smile could have this much effect on him.

“Good morning, Ms. Granger. Did you eat your breakfast?” Snape asked. Hermione hadn't regained much of the weight she had lost, but he could see that she was eating better.

Hermione frowned. “Yes… why, sir?”

“Because I don't want to deal with you being sick in my office when I have important work to do.” Snape replied coldly.

Hermione flinched a little, but soon after smiled at him. She was determined not to let his sometimes unpleasant personality get in the way of her good humour. “Well… thank you very much for the concern, sir.”

Snape gestured to a chair in front of him, inviting her to sit. "How are you feeling with our agreement?"

“Well…” Hermione bit her lip, sitting in the chair. “It’s certainly a change. For so long I’ve been using,” she hesitated for a second and it seemed difficult for her to say the words, “…self-harm as a method of punishment and relief. Not having that to fall back on… especially now, it’s been challenging.”

Severus nodded. “Understandable. Let me see your arms.”

Hermione made a face of displeasure, but obeyed. She extended her arms, looking at him. Snape seemed almost afraid of what he could find. 

His touch was calm and gentle, like he was afraid that one wrong move might hurt her. His tenderness was something Hermione hadn't expected. His calloused fingers made a shiver run down her spine.

Snape held his breath when she showed her arms to him, and a wave of relief hit him when he saw that no new wounds had been inflicted, and what was previously done, was healing quite fast. Of course he knew that if she did harm herself on purpose, he would know. But seeing with his own eyes after a week of torturous waiting, was a comfort to his troubled heart.

Nevertheless, it pained him to see years of healed wounds that she had inflicted upon herself. It made him sad and angry that no one ever saw how much she was hurting. No one ever realised that she felt alone, like he once felt, and that she didn’t feel secure enough with anyone to say what was happening to her.

"You've been dealing with this for so long and no one ever knew..." Snape almost whispered, not taking his eyes off of her scars.

The sadness Hermione heard in the Professor’s voice caught her off guard and, out of nowhere, a tight knot formed in her throat.

“Well… I was not the only one, was I?” Hermione replied. “All those years, you were trying to protect us, even if we hated you… and we never knew.”

Severus looked away from her scars and met her eyes in surprise.

He didn’t dare to talk about what happened...what he hid, what he had been through all those years. It was too painful to remember all of the hate, all of the injustices and the sacrifices he made, year after year. It was nauseating to think about the things he had done to remain his role. The people he had to torture, the torture that he, himself had to endure… The chilling fear that he felt deep in his bones everytime he was in Voldemort presence… It was something he wished more than  _ anything  _ to forget about it.

Snape cleared his throat, avoiding her brown eyes now. “I did what I had to do.” Snape affirmed, like it was nothing. Like what he had done hadn't taken a big piece of his soul.

"That’s why I should never have said what I did. I can't imagine all you did… just to save the son of a man you hated. I never appropriately apologized.” Hermione stopped, and took a deep breath. “I’m… really, really sorry about what I said to you and I’m sorry for all the things you had to endure. So many people are alive today because of you. Because you had to pretend and risk yourself for so many years, and because you had to tolerate so much hate that you didn’t deserve. Professor, thank you... for everything that you’ve done for all of us."

When all of the damage from the Battle of Hogwarts was repaired, and after Severus had fully recovered from Nagini's bite, a big ceremony was held to honour those who were lost and to thank those who had fought for the Wizarding World's freedom. For all of the years spent making Voldemort believe he was on his side, and for providing essential information to the Order of the Phoenix, Snape received a medal from the Order of Merlin, First Class. That medal that didn’t mean anything to him. It only made him angrier about everything that happened to him and all that he had been obligated to do.

Snape never wanted people to appreciate him for being a monster. Snape only worked for Dumbledore out of guilt. He was the cause of Lily’s death. The only woman he loved was dead because of him. Why would he want to be thanked for that? Why would he want to be thanked for killing one of the greatest wizards of all time and the closest thing he had to a friend? Severus didn’t deserve recognition. He never would.

But something changed when he heard those words from Hermione.

It was genuine, like he had never heard from anyone else. No one ever realised what those years had cost him, how they destroyed him piece by piece. But Hermione saw. She saw what the war had cost him because it had cost her the same things; maybe more than the people who were so close to her even realized.

Severus swallowed, blinking to lessen the burning in his eyes, and let go of her arms. He cleared this throat and asked, "Are you applying the Dittany to your arms?"

“Oh!” Hermione was a little surprised by the sudden change of subject. “Yes. Yes, I am. That’s why it’s so much better.”

“Good. And how are you feeling about your apprenticeship?”

Hermione’s face lit up. “Amazing, sir! I still don’t believe that I’m actually going to do this.”

“Only if you get all your N.E.W.T’s.” Snape remembered.

"Yes, of course," Hermione replied quickly. But she fell silent for a moment and her smile slowly disappeared.

“What is it?” Snape asked, studying her close.

“Nothing. I… I’m just upset about the whole ‘not being able to pay for my apprenticeship’ thing. I don’t like not being able to do things for myself.”

“Sometimes help is necessary, Miss Granger. It doesn’t make you weak.”

At his words, Hermione looked up and smiled a little. “I was thinking, sir… You're a really good advisor, but I have a feeling that you don't always follow your own council.”

Snape looked at her in surprise for her audacity. "I should take five points from Gryffindor for being impertinent."

Hermione smiled at that. She was slowly realizing that Snape barked a lot with her, but rarely seemed to bite lately. “So, what can I do today?” She asked.

Snape hesitated for a moment. “Poppy needs more Antidote to Common Poisons, but I have more urgents matters to take care of. Do you know how to brew it?” 

Hermione’s eyes literally shone with excitement. Of course, I’ve done it before.” She said as calmly as she could, fearing too much excitement would make the Professor change his mind. “It’s rather easy to make when you know the exact proportions the ingredients must have.” 

Snape gave her a startled look. Paying attention to the proportions of the ingredients in relation to each other, and not just mindlessly counting out a number of fairy wings, made all of the difference with this potion. Not many people knew about that trick. She was a clever girl and she would be amazing as a Potions Apprentice.

“Very well. Help yourself. If you need any assistance, you can refer to the book on my shelves.”

With that, he turned to his own table and started a brew in his own cauldron.  Hermione was curious to know what he was working on, but thought it was better to shut her mouth and concentrate on her work to make a good first impression. 

Of course, Hermione had made potions in his presence before, but now it was different. She wasn’t in class, and it wasn’t an assignment. Snape trusted her for the first time, and that was something important. She knew it was a test of what was about to come as his apprentice. She wanted to be perfect.

With that thought in mind, Hermione walked towards the bookshelves and picked up  _ Most Used Antidotes _ , but before she could turn away, various books of different languages caught her eye. She stopped there just for a moment, and couldn’t help but ask. 

“You speak all those languages?” 

Snape looked up for her, seeing what about she was asking. “Yes, some more fluently than others.” He sighed.  _ Always with her endless questions. _

“Your particular collection is impressive.” She commented, still gazing at his books. “I’ve always been fascinated with how the wizarding world is so well organized, and still manage to maintain the Statute of Secrecy. It must be rather difficult.”

Hermione left the books there and went to his other shelves looking for the ingredients.

"I did some research about the magic schools around the world when the Triwizard Tournament happened," she commented, going back to her table with her hands full. "What caught my attention the most was Castelobruxo. But I never knew how to pronounce it correctly.”

Snape didn’t look up when he replied. “Cass - tell - o - broo - shoo. It was actually one that almost made it to the Triwizard Tournament. It was one of my choices at least.”

Curiosity lit Hermione’s eyes. “Have you been there? Or in any other school?”

“Yes. I’ve been to some magic schools around the world.”

Hermione tried to contain her excitement a little, realizing the Professor might get annoyed. “Do you mind telling me a little bit about it? I’ve never been anywhere but Hogwarts”

Snape was silent. He generally spent the weekends in his office working quietly. He wasn't used to being bombarded with a hundred questions about his personal experiences, and he generally didn't like it. That’s why he was surprised to realise that he wasn’t too bothered by telling  _ her _ about those things, or answering her questions. Maybe because he thought that she really would understand what special opportunity it was to study at other schools.

Hermione interpreted the Professor's silence as a ‘no, he wouldn’t say anything”. She went quiet. She didn't want to spoil the opportunity she was having just because she couldn't keep her mouth shut.

After a minute or two, Snape sighed.

“They have a much more complex Herbology curriculum than us," he began. 'In Castelobruxo, I mean." When he looked up and caught her surprised expression quickly being replaced with a bright smile, he felt compelled to continue, "I learned a great deal of new ways to use plants in my potions.”

“I've read that Hogwarts got the idea of hiding the castle from Muggles from Castelobruxo.” Hermione said.

“Yes, we did. It was a smart thing to disguise their castle as ruins, especially when the castle is in the middle of the Amazon rainforest. And they also don't have houses.” 

“Really?” Hermione exclaimed, “I’m so used to Hogwarts and Ilvermorny that I can’t imagine a magic school without its houses.”

“That’s because Ilvermorny is based on Hogwarts. None of the other schools are like that.”

They went silent after that. Both of them were enjoying having a genuine, but still intellectual, discussion. They weren’t trying to compete over who knew more or was smarter. It was hard to find someone with a similar level of intelligence, who was interested in subjects like this.

It was strange how having Hermione in his office, talking about books and asking questions, didn't bother him at all. In fact, he was enjoying times like these. It had a sense of normality that he didn’t know could exist.

Snape stopped brewing his potion when he knew it was safe and walked towards his books. Hermione watched as he picked one and "then approached her.

“You can take it to read, if you like,” Snape offered. “It explains more about Castelobruxo and the Brazilian Wizarding culture. I have books from other schools as well, if you’re interested.”

Hermione took the book from his hands with wonder. The brown leather was smooth, with only little wrinkles from use. It seemed old, but well cared for. Snape was loaning her a book from his own collection. It was easy to tell that he loved and cared for his books. It was a level of trust that Hermione knew she couldn't bear to lose.

“But I don’t… I don’t speak Portuguese, sir.”

“There is a spell that translates what you’re reading. It’ll translate Portuguese to English or any other language, really, in one second.” With one touch of his wand, the Portuguese title  _ “Castelobruxo e Cultura Brasileira: Tudo que você precisa saber”  _ soon became  _ Castelobruxo and Brazilian Culture: All you need to know.” _

“I… I don’t know what to say, sir… Thank you. Thank you very much.” Hermione looked at Snape like he had given her his whole library. 

“You’re welcome to pick any book you want, as long you ask me first. There are some books here that the school doesn't have in the library. And I must warn you, Miss. Granger, that if this book comes back to my hands with any…” 

“Don’t worry, sir.” She interrupted him, “I know how to take good care of a good book. You can trust me.” Hermione said, smiling to her teacher. 

“So I hope.” was his answer. “Now, back to work.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All information about Castelobruxo was taken from the Wizarding World site. I loved writing a little bit about my country!
> 
> Please, rewiew! I love reading what you think of this!


	10. Bad Dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Monday everyone! 
> 
> First of all, thank you so much for the 100 kudos! I'm still blow away with how much love this fic it's getting. You guys don't know how much it means to me. Thank you! Now...
> 
> Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, PTSD and Panic Attack. If any of those tags may trigger you, stop now. Be safe. 
> 
> As promised last week, this chapter is pure angst. It's my favorite so far and also the longest. I'm really excited to see what you guys think of this one.
> 
> As always, I have to thank Kat for the love that she shows for this fic. She is always busy with work, but she always finds time to support me. Thank you so much!

_ "How did you get this?!" The woman with crazy eyes screamed at her. “You stole it, you filthy mudblood!  _ **_Tell me the truth!_ ** _ ” _

_ Hermione was scared. She was sure the woman would kill her. This was it. This was the end of the line for Hermione Granger. She always thought that it was a good thing, to die to protect her friends, for her family. Hermione was willing to sacrifice herself without blinking, but now that she was sure that any minute death was upon her, she was afraid. _

_ She didn’t believe the chiche thing that muggles said about “life flashing before their eyes”, but some part of her - maybe some part of time itself - slowed down, and she caught herself thinking about her whole life in the middle of the pain she was feeling. _

_ Her parents didn’t remember her. They were safe, but they didn’t remember that they had a daughter called Hermione, that when she was seven, she wanted to be a doctor, or that when she was eleven, she received an acceptance letter from Hogwarts: School Of Witchcraft and Wizardry, saying that their daughter was a witch. When she thought that Steve knew where they were and now she wouldn’t meet they again killed her a little bit more. _

_ She thought about her friends. Harry. Ron. Ginny. Luna. Neville. All of the times and adventures they shared while they lived at Hogwarts… Her home. Would she be remembered? Or would they forget her easily? _

_ With everything that she had done to herself, sometimes she believed that she didn’t have anything to look forward to, but she did. Hermione wanted to finish her school career, take her N.E.W.T’s and feel proud of herself. She wanted to teach. She wanted to see the next generation of wizards and witches form and grow in front of her eyes. She wanted to witness those children begin their own adventures. _

_ But she wouldn’t see that. She wouldn’t see anything anymore. Because she was about to die in the hands of Bellatrix Lestrange. _

_ She snapped to reality again when she felt Bellatrix shove her sleeve up, and laugh at the scars that were already in her skin. _

_ “So the little mudblood likes to punish herself, huh?” She gave a hysterical laugh that hurt Hermione’s ears. “Let’s make one more for the collection, shall we? One more specific that fits you!” _

_ Hermione felt the flesh of her skin open, as the blood flowed freely.  _

_ “mudblood” _

_ That was what she was. That was what she always would be. Mudblood. Dirty Blood. That was going to be forever marked on her skin. _

_ A scream that bewildered her senses broke into the air. Soon she realised it was her scream. Bellatrix was throwing a Cruciatus on her. Her body convulsed painfully. It felt like the veins of her body were bursting and her bones disfiguring inside her body. Hurt to think, to breathe, to feel. to live. _

_ Now she wanted to die. She desperately wanted to die. Anything to stop the pain. Just stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Where were they? Why didn’t they come save her? Where are they? Where are they? Where are they? Save me. Save me. Save me. _

_ “You’ll let me play with you, won’t you?” _

_ The pain stopped. Was she dead? The pain stopped but she was still on the floor, and she was still crying. She felt like she should be in pain, but why did she just feel numbness? _

_ “You’re such a good girl, right? Would you be a good girl for me, now?”A different voice. This wasn’t Bellatrix. Where was she? _

_ “No, no, no. Don’t struggle. It won’t be good.” She knew that voice. She knew that voice since she was a child. Who that voice belonged to? Why was she so scared of them? _

_ “Now, you’re going to be  _ **_very_ ** _ quiet, and  _ **_very_ ** _ still. I do not want to hurt you, but if you make me, it will end up bad for you, do you understand me, mudblood? Good… Such smart girl you are. We’re going to have so much fun together.” _

Hermione sat up in her bed feeling her lungs burn and tears in her eyes. She was shaking like a leaf. She felt like she was dying. No air came into her lungs. Flashbacks of everything that happened shot in front of her eyes making her vision blurring and confusing, not exactly knowing the difference between reality or illusion. 

Pain. So much pain. She felt like screaming. Why was she so scared? Why didn't those feelings leave her alone? Why couldn’t she  _ move on _ like everybody else?!

Anger. Sadness. Sorrow. Grief. Confusion. Too much to think. Too much to feel. Too much. Too much. Too much. Run. Leave.  _ I need to get out of here! _

She grabbed her wand and fled from the room, barefoot. Hermione didn’t see where she was going. She just registered that she was running down the halls of Hogwarts with tears streaming down from her eyes. Her lungs seemed on fire. Her head was dizzy. The next thing she knew she was collapsing on the floor next to a bench in the courtyard. 

It was dark. The only source of light was the open sky filled with stars and the full and bright moon. Some part of her brain thought of Lupin, until she remembered that he wasn’t there with them anymore.

Strong and loud sobs shook her whole body. All Hermione could feel was pain. Pain all over her body. Her heart. Her lungs. Her head. Everything. It had to stop. She couldn’t take it. She wouldn’t take it.

Without thinking, Hermione raised her wand and whispered  _ malus malum  _ between gasps for breath.

  
  
  


_ The snake was coming for him. He could hear it hissing, excited. Ready to take this life. _

A sharp pain hit his arm making him open his eyes widely.

For a brief moment, he didn’t know where he was. For a brief moment, he thought Voldemort was back and calling for him. That the end of the war was just a stupid dream. But the pain hit him again, making him look to his left arm.

Red angry marks appeared and disappeared quickly, and what it meant made his heart race. Hermione was hurting herself. He quickly dressed his robes and left the dungeons. 

With a wave of his wand pointing to the red mark that was on his arm, the wand began pulling in the direction where the girl was. Not soon enough, Snape found himself in the chilling night of the courtyard. From there, it wasn’t hard to follow the loud sobs or hisses of pain that the girl was making. With each hiss, Snape’s heart squeezed tightly, and he hurried to get to the girl.

Snape couldn’t see much, but he still spotted her. She was on the cold ground , wand in hand, crying loudly.

“Miss Granger!” he called, desperate to catch her attention and make her stop.

The sound of his voice scared her. She looked at him with wide eyes. With everything that may be passing through her head, he was sure she didn’t remember their deal.

He couldn’t see clearly, but he sensed that seeing him just increased her despair. Hermione shook her head, like he could be a vision and would disappear. He tried to examine her from afar, but all he could see was her wand in hand and the red blood dripping from her arm. He needed to get her. Fast.

“Miss Granger, I’m going to come a little closer to you.” He informed her. Snape wasn't giving her the option of saying ‘no’. “I want you to lower your wand. Slowly.”

The witch seemed to have lost her will to fight. She just shook, but whether it was from the cold or fear, Snape didn't know. He walked towards her slowly, like he was approaching a scared kitten.

Snape kneeled in front of Hermione, examining her with care. The witch was a mess. Her hair was everywhere, her nightclothes dirty and she was shaking badly. Severus took off his cloak, exposing his white long sleeve shirt and draped over the girl’s shoulders.

“Miss Granger, I want you to pay attention to me now. I'm going to pick you up and bring you to my office. I need to take care of your cuts.” He wasn’t sure she understood him, but she didn’t struggle when his arms supported her legs and lifted her up from the ground. 

He carried her to the dungeons as the girl continued sobbing softly into his chest. He supposed she was more ashamed for being caught in the act by him, than anything else.

Severus opened the door of his office and laid her on the small couch. Rather than summoning them, he chose to get the things he would need himself, as he needed a little time to think on what he was going to do next.

Upon returning to the witch, he found her pressing his cloak tightly against herself, shaking badly and noticed that her lips were a bit blue. He quickly stepped into his personal quarters and grabbed the softest blanket he had. Snape tucked the blanket in around her and quickly cast a warming spell.  Hermione sighed in relief, making herself more comfortable.

Snape extended his hand to her without saying a word. Hermione didn’t look in his eyes, but she acquiesced and pulled her arm out from underneath the blanket for him to examine.

Severus had to gather all his self-control to keep from letting his emotions show.

The blood had stopped, leaving the angry red cuts mostly visible. They weren't too deep, but they showed that Hermione wasn't just angry. She was desperate.

With a sigh, Severus started to clean the wounds.“What led you to harm yourself tonight?” He asked gently, but she was silent. “If we are going to do this, Miss Granger, I need to know the reasons.”

“How did you find me?” Hermione asked after a while, her voice was hoarse from the crying and lack of use.

Snape knew that she was gathering her emotions and courage to be able to talk,so he answered her. “The spell. It doesn’t serve its purpose if I do not know where you are to stop you.” Hermione kept silent, but nodded. 

Just as he had finished cleaning the wounds and was starting to apply dittany, she finally began speaking, “I had a bad dream… I’ve always had these dreams that are too real for me. I freak out and the only way out is this…” She gestured to her arms.

“And what was your dream about tonight?” Snape asked carefully.

She was silent again for a few minutes before talking.

“Bellatrix. What she did to me in the Malfoy Manor.” Hermione closed her eyes to get control of her emotions. “I thought I was going to die there.” Her voice broke a little and she swallowed. “I was sure I was going to die or lose my mind like Neville’s parents. She gave me this,” Hermione showed revealed her other arm where "mudblood" had been carved into it. “When she saw my scars…”

Snape looked at her arm and a knot formed in his stomach. Bellatrix was always the craziest of them all. He lost count of how many times Voldemort punished him just to “entertain” her. This just the kind of thing she would do.

“It’s dark magic, so it can’t be healed or glamoured…” She wiped away her tears with her free hand and continued. “Then I heard a voice…”

Severus looked up to her, and saw the change in Hermione eyes. It became more distant… more scared.

“I don’t know who it was but… They were holding me down… Saying that I should be quiet…” Hermione’s voice became a whisper, and Severus' heart started to pound in his chest. “And then I heard them say that we were going to have fun…That’s when I woke up.”

Severus felt all colour leave his face, as he considered the implications of what she had confided in him. “You don’t know who it was?”

“No.” Hermione replied, facing Severus for the first time, as more tears fell down. “I… I don’t. I feel like I should know, but I…” 

“It’s okay. You don’t have to say anything else.” Severus interrupted her before her emotions could get the best of her again. “Take a deep breath and ground yourself.” He finished covering up her arm and got up, rubbing his hands on his face. 

No, he wouldn’t think about that now, about what it meant. It could be anything, right? It could have been just her subconscious molding the reality of what happened in Malfoy's Manor. That should be it. It had to be.

After a quick glance at Hermione, Snape called a house-elf and asked for tea.

“You shouldn’t have called a house-elf, it’s late.” Hermione said after the tea was brought. “These poor creatures deserve a rest.”

“Oh, I’ve heard about your efforts for the rights of the house-elves.” Snape said with a little amusement in his voice as he poured a cup of tea for her. “I must say that I don't believe you fully understand their species yet.”

“I understand that they have lived in slavery for so long that they don't know how to be free anymore. And wizards have been using this for centuries, taking advantage of those poor creatures.” The scared and uncertain look in Hermione’s face had been replaced by a determined expression, and Snape expected he could keep it that way. But first, he needed to make sure she would stay calm for the rest of the night.

Snape sat on the armchair next to the couch and pulled a little flask out of his pocket. “It’s Calming Draught. You need to rest and this will help.”

Hermione looked at the flask and then back to Snape. “Why not Dreamless Sleep?”

“The night in the Hospital Wing was proof enough for me that I’ll never give you the Dreamless Sleep again.” The way Hermione seemed relieved and finally at peace came to his mind. “It’s too easy to get addicted to. You and I both know that you don’t need another unhealthy thing to add to the pile of bad coping mechanisms.” Snape put two drops of the potion in her tea before giving to her.

He wasn't expecting the shy smile that came across Hermione's face. “With all due respect, sir, I don’t think you have enough credit to say something about ‘bad coping mechanisms’.”

Snape narrowed his eyes for her, but didn’t say anything. Who was he really to say something about how others deal with pain?

After a while, Hermione set her cup aside and looked at him. “I’m sorry for waking you up… And keeping you up to deal with me.”

Severus was shaking his head before she could finish. “It was our deal. I said no matter what I was doing, and I don't make deals that I don't intend to keep, Miss Granger.”

“I… I know, sir. I just don’t like to be a burden. And… I was so out of my right mind this evening that I didn’t even remember our deal. I’m… I’m sorry.” Hermione concluded, lowering her head.

“I hope you don't have another episode like this, Miss Granger. But if you do, come to me," Severus said in a serious tone.

Hermione just nodded, agreeing. After a while, she broke the silence again. 

“Sir, I don’t want to intrude but… Do you think I can stay here reading until sleep comes to me?” Little pink marks appeared on Hermione cheeks.

Severus was silent, considering for a moment.

He would feel more secure knowing that she was nearby and could keep an eye on her tonight. After everything she had said to him, he didn’t think that it was safe to let her go to her room where she could panic again. “Very well. Help yourself.”

She stood up, still holding the blanket, and grabbed a book. He followed her example, although he didn't plan on reading. He wanted to watch the girl, to know if she was okay.

When they made their agreement, Severus had known that situations like this would happen. But seeing it with his own eyes was different. Severus Snape knew how to handle situations that required calm and self control. But seeing Hermione Granger desperate and bleeding like that had frightened him more than standing before the Dark Lord himself.This couldn't continue happening. He felt an urgent need to do something more, even though he knew he was doing everything he could. Severus couldn't just cast a spell on her that would make her stop. Magic could do a lot of things things, but this was something that only Hermione could control.

“Miss. Granger, may I ask you a question?” Severus usually wouldn't ask for permission, but this felt too personal not to.

Hermione looked up from the book and gazed at the Professor. Seeing his serious expression, she closed the book and gave him her full attention.

“Yes, sir. Go on.”

Snape hesitated for a moment, organizing his thoughts. Even with the Calming Draught, he was afraid that the subject might push her over the edge again, but he needed to know. So he cleared his throat and asked, "Earlier, you said to me that you started this when you were 13. But how did it first happen?"

Hermione looked away for a moment and pressed her legs against her chest, seeming to collect her thoughts. Severus gave her time and didn’t pressure her any further.

After what seemed like an eternity, Hermione broke the silence.

“It was in my third year here. I was the only one in the Gryffindor Common Room trying to finish the homework I had… I had the Time-Turner back then and I remember being  _ so exhausted. _ I wasn’t sleeping, or eating or… Anything, really. And I was so angry. At Harry and Ron because they left me because I was  _ worried _ about Harry’s safety. At Professor McGonagall, for giving me the Time-Turner. At Hagrid, for  _ always  _ dragging us along with his problems…” She stopped for a moment, her gaze far away. “I was trying to deal with my anger so that I could get my homework done. But I was just getting more and more frustrated because my head hurt so much that I couldn't read. I remember throwing my books, and in the process, I hit something.” Hermione seemed empty, her voice didn’t sound like her own, and it scared Severus. “Before I knew it, my hands were bleeding and…  For a brief moment, all the other thoughts in my mind didn’t matter or make sense. For a brief,  _ quick  _ moment, all I could feel was the throbbing pain in my hand... And I felt… Relief. Relief because I wasn’t overwhelmed by everything anymore… All that existed was the physical pain, that was blurring all of my other pains.” Hermione finally seemed to come back to reality and looked at her Professor. “Since then, that’s been my refuge. And, sir, believe me, I know it is not the right or healthy way… But it was all I had.”

Darkness and sadness weren’t anything new to Severus. He had dealt with it all his life. However, hearing the same darkness from Hermione was different. Snape remembered the girl who first came to Hogwarts. Shy, eager to make friends - so much so that she accepted two dunderheads as friends who never truly valued her the way she deserved - and with an unwavering desire to learn. Now, all Severus could see was a hurt girl who believed she had no one to turn to and ask for help. Severus wasn’t one to seek outside help either, but he was already beyond repair. Hermione, no. A young woman who was as bright, as intelligent and, if he dared to say it, as attractive as her could never be a lost cause.

“Miss. Granger…” His voice broke a little. Severus cleared his throat and began again. “Miss. Granger, I understand. I understand what it is like to feel alone. To feel like no one is really there for you. But, Her- Miss. Granger you must know that you're not alone.”

Hermione looked up and met his eyes. They were darker, and more intense… Just like his voice. She couldn’t look away, it was hypnotic.

“You have people that care… deeply about you. And, soon you’re going to be my apprentice…” Severus wanted to explain how vivid the bond was between an apprentice and a master. He wanted to say that was the reason he had never accepted an apprentice before. Severus would be responsible for her in a different and unique way. He wanted to say all of that, but he didn’t. “The point is, you don’t have to suffer alone. You can fight, just like you did for your dunderhead friend. But now? Now you have to do this for yourself.”

Hermione had never heard her Professor talk like that. It was intense and profound, like he desperately wanted her to see what was in front of her. He really understood, and took her pain in perspective. He was right. She was always doing things for the people she loved, but she had to do this for herself, for the love she felt for herself… But, did she even deserve to love herself?

“You do.” Severus said, and she realised she had been thinking out loud. “You’ll figure out eventually how to feel that kind of love again.”

Hermione felt the tears fall on her cheeks again, but this time, it wasn’t out of sadness or fear. Hermione felt something like hope fill her heart.

“Do you really think so?” She managed to ask, wiping her tears with the back of her hand.

“I really do.” Severus replied, feeling the corner of his mouth go up a little. “I believe in you, Miss Granger.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Review! Hearing your thoughts makes my days! 
> 
> Next week, a bit of hurt/comfort mixed with fluffly!


	11. Halloween Party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! How you guys doing? 
> 
> I'm so sorry for the delay in the chapter... This one was a bit of headache. Ask Kat. We had to broke this in pieces and do it again. It took a while for me to be happy with what I wrote, but in the end, I'm pleased!
> 
> This story is important to me. I want make it good. Hope you guys undestand!

Before Hermione knew it, October was nearly over. Her mind was so busy with assisting Snape, studying for her N.E.W.T’s and managing the normal curriculum for her last year of Hogwarts, that she didn’t realise it was Halloween until the Great Hall was decorated for the holiday.

She was sitting at the table during breakfast with her books at hand, rewien the Arithmancy paper she had finished the night before when Ginny came next to her.

“Hey Mione!”

Hermione looked up from her homework and smiled. “Hey Ginny.”

“Did you hear? Professor McGonagall is going to throw a Halloween Party.” Ginny said with a bright smile. “She said we could use a little bit of fun, after considering what last year was like.”

“She’s right, we could all benefit from laughing a little, huh?” Hermione commented indifferently, still looking at her paper.

If Hermione was honest, she didn’t care about parties or Halloween. She had much more important things to think about it.

Ginny grabbed a bit of pumpkin juice and toast. “So, how are things going with Snape? I can't imagine how you manage to spend your entire weekend in his company. I would go crazy,” she laughed.

Hermione looked at her friend with some annoyance. “First, it’s  _ Professor  _ Snape. Second, there are other sides to his personality. I've found that he can actually be very good company."

Ginny suppressed a laugh. “ _ Snape? _ Good company? He barely says a word to anyone, he's sarcastic, he bullies the Gryffindors and favors his Sytherins. Not to mention that he gives detention to everyone, except his snakes, for nothing! How can he be good company?”

Hermione was actually mad now. Why didn't people realize who he truly was?

Snape didn’t have to worry about or help her, but he did. He didn’t have to let her sleep in his office, where she felt safe, just so she wouldn’t hurt herself again, but he did. He helped her not feel worthless and even helped create the assistant job so that she could study Potions next year. He accepted her as his apprentice, despite the fact that he didn’t feel comfortable with other people using his lab. He told her about Castelobruxo and encouraged her curiosity to learn. And most of all, he believed in her.

Over the past few weeks, Hermione had seen firsthand just how good Snape really was underneath his brusque exterior.

Grabbing her books and angrily getting up from the table, Hermione looked at her friend. "If you can't see what kind of person he really is after everything he did to save  _ your boyfriend _ , then I don't know what to tell you.”

Hermione stormed out from the Great Hall and didn’t stop when Ginny called her name.

The rational part of Hermione knew that what Ginny said was partially true and was sorry for getting mad at her friend, but the irrational part of her was furious. Even after everything that he sacrificed, people still judged him, still made jokes about the “dungeon bat”. It was  _ unfair _ .

Hermione stopped with an angry grunt. If she could just  _ do something _ .

  
  


The Great Hall was full of dancing and talking and fun. All of the students were happy to forget about the horrible things that happened not so long ago.  _ If only it was that easy _ , Hermione thought.

If she was being truthful with herself, she didn’t want to be there. She still felt like it was wrong to be at a party having fun when so many lives had been lost. But Harry had asked her to give it a chance because he was worried about her. He insisted that going didn’t make her a bad person and that she should try to enjoy herself. So she had agreed to go for him, even though she really didn’t want to.

“Hi, guys.” Hermione said in greeting, when she spotted Harry and Ginny in a corner talking quietly.

That was another reason Hermione didn’t want to be there. Harry and Ginny were together, and she felt like a third wheel. Also, things with Ginny were still uncomfortable because of their fight in the morning.

“Hi, Mione!” Harry said, smiling a little.

“Hi. I’m going to get us some drinks. Be right back,” Ginny said shortly.

Hermione sighed and Harry seemed uncomfortable with Ginny’s reaction, but he tried to brighten his expression as he said to Hermione, "I'm really glad you came and you look great!"

“Oh, thanks,” Hermione thanked him, shyly. 

She had chosen something simple; a black dress with a round skirt , high heels and her hair was up in an elegant bun. Nothing too fancy, but pretty nevertheless.

“Ginny told me about the fight. I’m sorry.” Harry said after a while.

Hermione sighed again. “Don't worry, it was stupid. We’ll work things out soon.”

Harry nodded, and before he could say something else, Ginny returned with three glasses of apple juice in hand.

“Here.” She offered Hermione with a small smile. Hermione smiled in return feeling a little bit lighter.

“Thank you, Ginny. Well, I’m going to take a walk and let you guys enjoy your date a little. If you’ll excuse me.” Hermione left before they could say anything else, passing through the crowd of students with some patience.

She found Snape leaning in the corner looking more annoyed than ever. So much so that he didn’t even realise she was next to him until she spoke.

“Enjoying the party, Professor?”

Severus looked at Hermione head to toe and then looked away. “Very much.” He said dryly.

“I can clearly see that you’re the party type.” Hermione joked, but he didn’t seem to find it funny. 

She leaned against the wall next to him and sipped her drink in silence.

“Did you know-” Hermione began to say but was interrupted abruptly by Snape.

“Why aren’t you with your friends?” He asked coldly, as if he didn’t want her there.

Hermione frowned. Why was he being so rude to her again? “They’re somewhere. I didn’t want to ruin their date so I gave them a little bit of space.”

“That’s a pity.” He said, taking a sip of his own drink.

“What is?” Hermione asked with a small smile, but he didn’t respond. He was ignoring her.

Hermione frowned again. He didn’t seem to be in the mood to talk, so Hermione thought it would be better leave him alone for now.

“I see you later, Professor.” She disengaged from the wall and tried to hide the hurt in her expression when he once more ignored her.

Hermione decided that she didn’t want to be social anymore, still upset by Snape’s attitude. She had gotten used to seeing his kinder side when they were alone. Seeing the arrogant teacher pose again did not please her. Could she talk to him about that later? Did she have that close of a relationship with him?

She headed outside to the gardens to take in the fresh air, and was surprised when she saw Harry sitting alone on a bench with a distant look in his eyes. Apparently, Snape was not the only one who was having a bad night.

She approached him slowly, sitting by his side. He acknowledged her presence but didn’t say anything, still staring at nothing.

“Where’s Ginny?” Hermione asked quietly after a while.

A hint of a smile came across Harry’s face. “Luna thought she saw some Nargles and wanted Ginny to come help chase them away before they stole anymore of the Cauldron Cakes.”

Hermione chucked and then silence fell between them. “So, what is it?”

“What?” Harry said, still not looking at her.

“What’s on your mind? I can tell something is bothering you.” 

Harry sighed and then chucked a little. “You know me too well. It’s almost disconcerting.” He went quiet, organizing his thoughts before speaking. “Today is the anniversary of my parents' death. I mean, the first one after Voldemort’s gone.”

Hermione’s expression became sad and soft. “I’m sorry, Harry.”

“No, it’s okay.” Harry said, shaking his head. “It’s just… After everything that happened… Everything I’ve discovered… It’s hard to let go, you know? To… Feel normal again.” 

“I know…” She said, looking away.  _ More than you realise. _

“I mean, I still can’t believe what Dumbledore and mainly Snape did. It’s… kind of overwhelming, you know?” He stopped to rearrange his thoughts. “I imagine it’s a hard day for him as well.”

“Him who?” Hermione inquired.

“Snape.”

Hermione looked at him quickly, curiosity taking her body. “Snape? Why? Why would it be hard for him as well?”

Harry faced her with a frown and then sighed. “I can't tell you what I saw because they are his memories, but… My mom and Snape… They were friends. Close friends. She was… someone very special to him. It must be hard for him to lose a… a friend like that.” Harry finished in a whisper.

Hermione looked at him surprised. She knew, from the way Harry spoke, that he wasn't telling the whole story. It felt much deeper than that, and although Hermione was dying to discover what it was, she knew it wasn’t her place.

However, this was still shocking news. This possibility would never have occurred to Hermione. Snape and Lily had been friends. Snape was sad because today was the day his friend died. He wasn’t just being rude to her. Snape was hurting. Hermione had to find him. Snape helped her so much these past weeks that she felt the need to do the same for him. She wanted to be there for him, if he let her.

Luna and Ginny returned not long after Harry's revelation about Snape. Ginny was laughing at something Luna said, but the Ravenclaw girl seemed a bit confused about what was funny.

“Are you going to be okay?” Hermione asked, nudging her friend’s shoulder a little.

“Yeah… I think I will.” Harry nodded for her, smiling a little. “Thank you.”

Hermione smiled. “You have nothing to thank me for.” She got up and headed to the Great Hall again.

She looked everywhere across the room, but he wasn’t there. He probably left early and went to his office for a bit of quiet. Should she go after him? Or maybe it was better to leave him be.

But before she could decide, Snape’s words echoed in her mind.  
_“Miss Granger…” His voice broke a little. He cleared his throat and began again. “Miss Granger, I understand. I understand how it is to feel alone. To feel like nobody's really there for you. But, Miss Granger you must know that you're not alone.”_

Hermione had made up her mind.

Now it was his turn to know that he was not alone.

  
  
  


Most of the students were still at the party and the dungeons seemed almost unnaturally quiet as Hermione walked to Snape's quarters.

Hermione knocked on the door and waited for an answer. When he didn’t reply, she knocked again. This time, she heard a muffled snarl and the sound of steps getting close. Snape opened the door slightly, just barely enough to see who it was.

His blank expression didn’t change, but Hermione had learned during the past few weeks to look at the Professor’s eyes. Snape tried to hide every emotion he had inside him, however, his eyes didn’t lie. He was the kind of person that spoke with them.

Hermione clearly saw that Snape was sad and angry at the same time. He was hurting for Lily.

She almost asked what was wrong before biting her tongue. He wouldn’t appreciate her meddling into his business.

“What do you want?” He asked coldly, and if Hermione paid enough attention, she could hear anger in his voice as well.

“Good evening, Professor. I was looking for you at the party and realised you left early. I was just wondering if were okay.”

“I’m perfectly fine, Miss Granger. Now, if you will excuse me, I’m rather busy  now .” Snape said, already closing the door.

“Wait!” Hermione saw him roll his eyes and heard him snarl again..

“What?” He asked, clenching his teeth.

Hermione didn’t want to leave him like this. He needed help, and she wouldn’t leave him alone in the moment he needed someone. His words from the night he found her in the courtyard and looked after her echoed in her mind

“Can I come in? Please?” She pleaded.

Severus looked at her for one more second before opening the door, mumbling something under his breath. “Be my guest.”

“Thank you” She murmured, stepping into the room.

Looking around the room, everything seemed the same, but Hermione had spent enough time in that room to see the little things.

Snape liked his ingredients in alphabetical order, and Hermione could see from afar some herbs were thrown in the wrong places. The desk he had been working at was a mess. Things were strewn about the table in a haphazard fashion, which was very out of character for him. Snape always kept his work area clean and organized, like he was performing a ritual. Sure, it could just be a coincidence, but Hermione knew that he was too meticulous to leave things this messy.

She turned around to face him and noticed that his shoulders were more tense than normal. His eyes wouldn't meet hers, and instead he just stared off at nothing while holding his hands behind his back.  All of that suggested he was in pain, sad and angry, and Hermione didn’t know what to do to make it better.

“Do you need assistance with something, Miss Granger?” He asked, still not meeting her eyes.

Hermione debated between lying and telling the truth for a moment. “Actually, I just wanted to check up on you, sir.”

Snape met her eyes for just a moment, but it was enough to let her see a deep, deep sadness he was holding in his eyes. Just the thought that he, the man who helped her so much, was in pain was enough to make her stomach drop.

“I’m perfectly fine, Miss Granger, not that it is of your concern.”

“You’re right. It’s not.” Hermione bit her lip and nervously shifted her weight to one leg.

Hermione looked around one more time and saw a bottle of Firewhiskey that was open but still seemed full. She couldn’t leave him alone now. Not when he wanted to drink.

No one told her, but She had strong suspicions that Snape had problems with alcohol in the past. If that was the case, then she wouldn't let him fall back into his addiction, just like he wouldn't let her have the Dreamless Sleep potion.

Snape softed his expression and his voice, trying to sound calmer. “Thank you for checking up on me, Miss Granger, but it was not necessary.”

Hermione did not agree but nodded nevertheless. She wanted to distract him, take his mind off what today meant, so she began to ramble.

“Do you know what I saw yesterday?” Hermione began to say. She glanced at him, as if asking for permission to continue, and hoping that would require him to take his mind off of things.

He locked eyes with her, and if Hermione didn’t know better, she would’ve thought that she saw gratitude in his eyes.

“I was walking near the Forbidden Forest and I saw an Aconite plant growing up. Which is exciting! Since the end of the war, no plants have grown on Hogwarts’ grounds. It gives a sense of healing, don't you think?”

Hermione saw the Professor think about what she said for a moment and then nod, “Indeed.”

She looked down, biting her lip.“Do you think we’ll also move on, Professor? After everything that happened?”

Snape was silent for several long minutes before answering without really looking at her. “I think some of us will.” The way he said it gave her the impression that he wasn’t including himself in that perspective, and that bothered Hermione more than she realised.

“Why are you here, Miss Granger?” Snape asked, looking at her coldly.

Hermione sighed and looked away. “Harry told me today is the day his parents died… And he said you were close to Lily Potter. I imagine this day must be hard for you too and I’m worried about you.

Severus stared at the girl for a long time before looking away again.

Hermione wasn’t just a student. Soon enough they would share a master and apprentice bond. He wasn't in the war more anymore and he didn't have to keep his guard up all of the time. Or, at least, he didn't have to around her, because Hermione understood how that kind of pain and isolation affected someone.

Snape sighed deeply. Suddenly, he was so tired. It was like the weight he had been trying to carry hit him all at once, and Hermione saw it. She saw the way his shoulders slumped with exhaustion. She saw the way his eyes became darker and watched as his expression shifted to one of dejection. For the first time, Snape let Hermione see how defeated he felt, and how everything had drained him profoundly.

He was quiet for a long time, before sinking down into a nearby chair and rubbing his face with his hands. “Did Potter show you and that Wesley boy the memories I gave him after Nagini bit me?"

“No, sir. Those are  _ your  _ memories. Harry wouldn't violate your privacy like that. But he did tell us that you had been working for the Order all along and about all of the things you did to help us."

Severus once again sighed. At least he had a bit of control over the situation, and that made him comfortable enough to continue. That and he knew she wouldn't leave him alone until he spoke. 

“Lily. His mother. When I was a child, we knew each other. We were… friends.” Hermione saw Severus becoming more and more distant, trapped in another time, with so much sadness in his voice that hurt. “Even when we were sorted in different houses, we were close. I saw her as my best friend.” He was struggling to keep talking and she silently prayed that he would keep going.

“In my fifth year we had an argument. Our friendship ended on bad terms and we grew apart.” Snape closed his eyes, as if the memories physically hurt him. “On October 31, 1981, Lily Evans died. Later that night, I was the one who found her body.” His expression grew darker, as the memories took him to places he didn’t want to see. “I blame myself for her death,” Severus confessed in a whisper. “For what happened between us. I could’ve prevented it.”

Hermione had never heard her Professor’s voice so sad, nor seen his eyes show so many emotions.

Without thinking, she reached for his hands and held them tenderly.

At first, she thought he was going to push her away, but he didn’t. He just looked at her with a mix of surprise and confusion.

“Do you remember what you said to me the night you brought me here? You said that I could fight, and I didn’t have to suffer alone. Now I’m saying the same thing to you, sir. You don’t have to suffer alone.”

Severus' eyes fell to her hand on his arm. She was touching him. Severus hadn’t the kind touch of another person in decades. Her hands were warm and soft against his arm. It was good in a way Severus couldn't quite explain.

But she didn’t know the truth. She didn’t know what a monster he truly was. She didn’t know he had called Lily “mudblood” - the same thing Bellatrix carved in her skin. She didn’t know that he had Lily’s blood on his hands. She didn’t know that he had he grabbed Lily’s lifeless body and tried to wake her up. Tried to do something to revert what he had done. But nothing could undo the monstrous, disgusting, perverse and evil thing he had done.

He didn’t deserve her kindness.

However, when he looked up and his eyes found hers filled with so much passion and determination, Severus Snape couldn’t bring himself to debate with her. She truly believed what she said. Maybe she even believed he was a good person. And, for now, he allowed himself to believe in that lie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uff... Done. 
> 
> They are getting a lot more closer! What you guys think? Please, let me know. This chapter was a hard one and I deserve compliments lol
> 
> Next week, and I meand, *really* next week, a really important chapter. We'll be hearing about a very interesting character. 
> 
> See you next week!


	12. Winter Break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, it's late. I'm sorry! Life has been crazy, but here I am!
> 
> Once again, Kat, what I was going to do without you? Thank you so much for being a amazing beta and friend!
> 
> And I also want to thank my amazing reader Geppetto for the most fun and well though comment I've ever recived and my dear reader MadamePriestly because a. She's from Brazil, and b. her comments always make me smile!
> 
> I like this chapter a lot! I hope you guys like it too!

Hermione felt the anxiety crawling over her body as she walked through the cold dungeous.

Winter Break would begin the next morning, and everyone was excited to go home. Everyone except Hermione. Hogwarts  _ was _ her home and she didn’t want to leave.

But Hermione knew that she couldn’t stay. Over the break, she had important things to do.

This would be the first time she would go to her muggle house after her encounter with Steve, just after the end of the war.

When the war was over, the first thing Hermione did was go to her parents' house, expecting to find them there. The deal she made with Steve, just before she left, was that he would keep them safe and far away from the conflict. The moment he was sure the war was over, he would bring them back home.

Hermione passed many of her days on the run thinking about their reunion and imagining how her parents would react. She would beg for  forgiveness, and they would understand that all of her choices had been to protect them. Everything would be back to normal and she wouldn’t be alone anymore. Everything would be  _ fine. _

But what awaited her when she got home was far different from what she had expected.

When Hermione arrived home her parents weren’t there, but her uncle Steve was, with a victorious smile on his lips.

Steve never even pretended to tell her where her family was. Instead he wanted to use that information to blackmail her. He made it very clear that not even magic could help her track them. And he was right. Even with a tracking charm, she hadn't been able to locate her parents.

But this time would be different. She would find and fight for her family.

During her fifth year, Hermione had heard about a potion that would intensify the bond between blood relatives. Supposedly, it would strengthen the bond so much that relatives would feel drawn to each other's location.

It was old magic and locating the recipe had been difficult. However, this was another instance where Hermione was already benefiting from being Snape's assistant. She had looked for and found the recipe in his private library. It was one of the most difficult potions that she had ever seen. But she was nearly finished brewing it. She required just one more ingredient: hairs from one of her parents to key the potion to them. It was a long shot, but their house had been left furnished, awaiting their return. It was worth leaving the security of Hogwarts to try and it was all she had.

Hermione took a deep breath and put those thoughts aside as she knocked on Snape's door. "How do you manage to stay here when it's so cold?" She asked, as she entered the room.

Snape was checking his ingredients but turned to face her with a little smile, something that was becoming normal now. “There’s a rather complex charm to help with the cold. It's called the warming charm. You might recall it from your first year," he mocked, while turning back to the shelves.

“Funny.” Hermione said, rolling her eyes. “What can I do today?”

“Nothing.” He said, looking at her again. “It’s the last day, there’s nothing that needs to be done. I’m just checking the ingredient inventory."

“Oh…” She couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed. “Well, maybe we could just hang out.”

“Hang out?” Snape raised an eyebrow.

“Yes. Talk, take some tea… You know what I meant.” She explained.

Snape chucked a little. Hermione still couldn’t believe that he allowed her to see him do that. “I do. Very well, let me ask a house-elf for tea.”

After a while, they were sitting comfortably in the familiar armchairs enjoying herbal tea.

“I assume you're going to stay with your friends for the holidays?” Snape asked, taking a sip of his tea.

“Actually, no.” He raised an eyebrow. “I’m sure Molly and her family wouldn’t mind, but staying at the Borrow just would remind me of the people we lost. Besides, it’s Ronald home, and I’m not comfortable with how we ended things.”

“Did he do something to you?”

“Well…” Hermione moved uncomfortably on the chair. “Ronald cheated on me before his Auror training began. I caught him with Lavender Brown one night… Doing a lot more than kissing.”

Snape studied her carefully for a while. “Did Potter do anything about it?”

“Harry was furious with him for a while. But Ron is his best friend so…” She shrugged, taking a small sip.

Snape frowned trying to change the subject. “What about your other friends? Wouldn’t you want to spend time with them?”

“Not right now, no.” Hermione replied “I mean, Ginny and Harry are together, I’m sure they’re fine without me”

“Do they tend to exclude you?” Snape asked.

“No, not at all. In fact, it is pretty much the contrary. They feel sorry for me because they’re together and I’m alone. So they do everything in their power to make me feel included.” She chucked.

The conversation stalled for a couple minutes before Snape broke the silence.

“Is Potter a good friend, Miss Granger?” Severus wanted to know.

Hermione set her cup on the table before answering. “Yes, he is. I wouldn’t have done everything I did if he wasn’t.”

Snape looked down, considering. “Then how is it possible that he never saw what was happening to you?”

Hermione hesitated for a moment, thinking. She wasn’t afraid of being honest with him anymore. “I hid it well. For all of those years, I always kept up a certain awareness and caution. I guess I was under control. But, a few months ago, as much as I hate to admit, I felt like I’ve lost it. I don’t know what caused it, but I became careless and more… angry with myself.”

“That’s what worries me.” He whispered to himself. “Then where are you going to go during the break?”

She seemed to hesitate for a moment. “I’m going back to my muggle home.”

Snape nodded, “Any specific reason?”

“No.” Hermione answered shortly.

“Very well… Miss Granger, I wanted to talk to you before we leave Hogwarts.” He said, also resting his cup on the table and looking at her with a serious expression.

The thought of leaving her alone with no supervision for two weeks left him worried. It was a relatively short period of time, but she could cause a great deal of harm to herself during that time and being alone in her childhood home could be a recipe for disaster.

“We're going to be apart for a short period of time, but I am worried. I must confess that I wouldn’t be so concerned if I knew that you were going to have company, even if that company has no idea what you do.”

Hermione lowered her head. “You don’t have to worry Professor. I’m much better now.”

“Even so, I worry. Miss Granger,” Hermione looked in his eyes. “I want you to promise me that you will not hurt yourself. Swear to me on your wand.”

“Professor…”

“Promise me, Miss Granger. You should be grateful I’m not asking for you to swear on your magic.”

Snape knew he couldn't allow her to leave, knowing that at any moment Hermione could have a break down and go too far. It was a risk that he could not take.

Hermione looked down. She knew that he was just trying to keep her safe and part of her could even admit that it was necessary. Nevertheless, his lack of trust in her hurt.

“Very well.” She raised her head and looked at him, holding her wand. “I promise, on my wand, that I will not hurt myself on purpose.”

  
  


Hermione’s breathing was fast when she appeared at the corner of Heathgate Street. The last time she was here, Hermione was sure she would never come back. Now she had a chance of putting her life back together. She had a chance to take back everything she lost.

She walked slowly towards the house, absorbing the familiarity and all of the good memories from when she was a child. She missed them dearly.

Hermione looked around to see if anyone was nearby. Feeling safe enough, Hermione grasped the doorknob, concentrated her magic and whispered,  _ "Alohomora." _ The locks made a clicking sound and she opened the door.

Hermione took a deep, sharp breath and entered the house. The smell of lavender was the first thing she felt. Her mom loved the  scent , and made sure every room of the house smelled like it. The next thing she saw were the pictures of them. Her heart squeezed with the thought that they didn’t remember her anymore.

But everything would be fine. They would remember her. Everything would be normal again. She just needed to find some of their hair.

Her determination even stronger, she went upstairs and first stopping by her room for another moment of nostalgia.

But as soon as she stepped into the room, something felt off. The bed linens were messy and she always made her bed before she left. Walking slowly to her parents room, that conclusion dropped. Their bed was also unmade, the bathroom floor was wet and a suitcase was near to the bed. Someone was there.

Taking her wand out of her sleeve, she approached the case to examine the belongings. Underwear, suits, shaving cream, wallet. She took the wallet and opened.

_ Steve. _

Steve was there. Sleeping on her parents bed. Staying in her house.

With not enough time to process things, she heard the front door open the thickening of keys.

He was there.

Hermione frozen hearing close footsteps. He was heading upstairs.

One second before the door opened, Hermione disappeared.

_ He’s there. He’s there. He’s there.  _ This was the only thing that Hermione could think of. He was there and he was expecting her. He was hoping she would come. 

It barely even registered to Hermione that she had Apparated to the old campsite in the Forest of Dean.. All she could think was  _ he’s there _ . Her lungs were on fire and adrenaline ran freely through her veins.  _ He’s there. _

How could she be so stupid? Of course he would be there! He wouldn’t give up that easily.

Now everything was lost. She wouldn’t be able to search the house for the hair or be able to locate them. All of the efforts she made were now gone because Steve was there in her home.

_Steve was there… In her home._ _Her house. Where she was supposed to stay two weeks._

What was she supposed to do now? She couldn't go back there and she had returned the tent the Trio used during the Horcrux hunt. What was she going to do?

Hermione took a deep breath trying to calm down. Right now, she had to think clearly, this was no time to panic. After a while, her hands stopped shaking and she could breathe again. She could think straight. She still wanted to cry, but took deep breaths until the tears weren’t threatening to fall. She opened her beaded bag and fished out the small purse with her wizarding money. She still had a small amount of money in Gringotts, but she couldn’t use it, it was for her apprenticeship. The money she had on hand would have to be enough.

Remembering that Harry had spent a few weeks at the Leaky Cauldron during the summer before their third year, it seemed like as good of a place to start as any. Hermione Apparated to Diagon Alley and upon entering the pub, she spotted Tom right away. The bar didn’t have many customers, which was good for her now.

“Hermione Granger! To what do I honour this pleasure?” Tom greeted her with a smile.

“Hi, Tom. How much does it cost for a room?”

“Oh, that will be 100 Galleons.”

Hermione’s expression dropped. “100 Galleons? Oh…” She couldn’t afford 100 Galleons just for the room. She would still need to buy food for two weeks.

“So? Should I get you a key?” Tom asked gently.

Shame hit her body, and suddenly Hermione wished a hole could open and swallow her up.

“Not right now, Tom. I… I still have some business I have to attend. But, thank you. See you soon!”

Tom frowned and seemed to want to say something, but Hermione quickly headed back out the door and into Diagon Alley.

Hermione was lost. What was she supposed to do now? How ridiculous was this situation? She didn’t have enough money, she couldn’t afford a room or go to the Borrow. She felt like a homeless failure.

Hermione let her feet drag her through Diagon Alley without paying too much attention. It didn’t matter anyway. At that point, she could have slept on the street and she probably wouldn’t have noticed.

When she was aware of herself again, she was in a silent and strange alley. She looked around and saw stores that were very suspictions and some shady looking witches watched her closely.

_ Knockturn Alley. Damn it. _

Hermione quickly looked away from the witches, hopefully before they could recognize her. She walked fast, looking for an empty alleyway to duck down. When she found one, she grabbed a long cloak that covered her face out of her bag. As an extra precaution, she glamored her hair colour from light brown to black.

Not being aware of her surroundings was a bad idea. Now, she was totally lost and didn’t know the way back to the places she knew. She couldn’t even cast a pointing spell, or people would realise she was lost and vulnerable.

It was a nightmare. It had to be. The day could not go anymore wrong.

This area gave her goosebumps. Every corner she looked, a more disgusting shop than before would appear. But one place caught her attention.  
“ROOMS AVAILABLE.” was written in big red letters on a sign in front of a very cracked building.

Hermione didn’t have any other options. She took a deep breath and opened the door of the establishment.

It was quiet. No one talked to each other, and the ones who did, whispered.

Hermione’s hand began to shake again, but her walk was firm and confident. The barman didn’t seem to have taken a shower in weeks. He had a crooked nose and Hermione could see that some teeth he still had were obviously rotten.

“How much for a room?” Hermione whispered.

“55 Galleons.” The man said, his voice hoarse.

Hermione wasn’t happy with it, but it was all she had. “I want one.”

“For how long?”

“Not defined yet.” She answered vaguely.

The man studied her for a moment with a frown and Hermione held her breath.

It seemed like an eternity but he finally said, “Room 109.” 

Hermione let go of her breath, took the key and went upstairs in a hurry. She got to room 109, opened the door and locked it right away. After casting the strongest wards she could on the door and around the room, she finally looked around.

It was the worst room that Hermione had seen in her life.

It didn’t have widows, there were holes in the roof and the bed was just a thin mattress with no blanket.

After surveying the room, she finally let the tears fall freely.

Unlike other times, it was not a loud cry that shook her whole body; she hasn't the strength to do so. It was quiet. Numbness. Because that was all she felt.

She didn’t even bother putting on more comfortable clothes. She just laid down in the durty bed, staring at nothing.

Sleep took a long time to come to her and when it did, it was full of dark rooms and deep voices that frightened a little girl.

Three days down. Eleven days to go.

Hermione had lived in complete isolation for 3 days. She had barely left the room during that time and had only ventured out to the Leaky Cauldron to eat something.

Most of the time she would sleep to stop the temptation of hurting herself. Hermione had promised him. She wouldn’t break his trust again.

Without Hogwarts or Snape she was feeling more lost than ever. She just wanted this to end. She wanted to go to Snape’s office and have a nice cup of tea, talk about the book she was reading or even just sit in silence while in his company.

Where was he now? How was he doing? Was he thinking about her?

  
  


Severus was supposed to rest. He had two weeks away from Hogwarts during which he had planned on reading and brewing for his own pleasure, but he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t get Hermione out of his head.

She was alone in her muggle house, where she was surrounded by the memories of her family. Anything could be too much for her.

No, she had sworn a wand oath. She wouldn’t hurt herself. She promised, right? She was  _ fine.  _ She had to be fine.

He needed to think about something else. Anything else.

Snape got up and grabbed his robes.

He would think about something else. He would enjoy himself in a good bookshop. After everything he had been through, Snape deserved some simple pleasures..

He appeared from his house to a corner close to the Leaky Cauldron. He walked fast and without greeting anyone, headed out to Diagon Alley. 

Flourish and Blotts wasn’t full of students the way it usually was, which was a relief for him. He went to the section on Potions to see what was new and pick out a couple of books that had been on his wish list for a while.

It was incredible to him how time seemed not to exist for him in moments like these. He easily got lost in the words he was reading, imagining how it would feel to brew a particular potion and immediately seeing ways he could improve certain recipes. It was one of his favorite things to do.

His concentration was broken when the doorbell of the store made noise, announcing a new customer.

“Here to pick up that book you were looking for yesterday?” The manager said.

“Yes, if you don’t mind, of course.” The young and weak voice answered, making Severus’ heart race. He looked up quickly and saw a very tired looking Hermione Granger with a faint smile.

“Hermione?” Severus called her name without realising and Hermione's eyes met his. “What are you doing here?”

Hermione seemed startled to see him there, like he was the last person she should meet.

“Professor Snape… hello!” The girl walked towards him, forcing a smile. “What a nice surprise!”

“Indeed.” Something was wrong. There were deep bags under her eyes that hadn’t been there just a few days ago. Her hair was a mess and he could see fragments of black hair in her lighter brown. Her eyes seemed scared and she couldn’t meet his eyes.

He knew it, it has been a mistake to leave her alone like that.

“Woah! Took the day off for the bookshop?” She said, looking at all of the books in his hands.

“Yes. I thought it was a good opportunity. And you?”

“Oh.” Hermione's eyes quickly slid away from him. “I was just passing by.”

Silence fell over them as Severus watched her closely. It was obvious to him that Hermione was uncomfortable and nervous. She was hiding something.

“Miss Granger, would you care for a cup of tea or butterbeer? That way we can talk properly.”

Hermione was hesitant. What was going on with this girl?

“Yeah, sure!” Hermione replied. “I’m… I’m going to wait outside.”

Severus watched the witch leave the store with hunched, tired shoulders. He paid for the books and quickly followed her outside.

“Looking for someone?” Severus asked as he watched Hermione look over her shoulder. Caught on the act, she lowered her head, cheeks turning pink.

“No. No one.” She said, staring at her cup.

“How’s the holiday?”

“Can't wait for it to end.” She replied bitterly.

Snape raised an eyebrow. “I always thought you were one of those who loved Christmas.”

“Usually, I am.”

“What is different?” Snape asked.

“Everything.”

Snape something twisted in his stomach as he watched the girl, “Miss Granger, what happened?”

“What do you mean?” She asked, confused.

“Something is wrong. Tell me what it is. Did you cut yourself again?”

Hermione looked at him for the first time angrly. “No, I didn't.” She showed her arms to him and true to her word, no new wounds were visible. “I promised, didn’t I? Very similar to you,  _ sir,  _ I don’t make promises that I don’t intend to keep.”

Snape took a deep breath. “Then, what is it?”

“Nothing. I’m fine, just tired.”

“Just tired?”

“Yes.” Hermione rolled her eyes and looked at her watch. “I really ought to get going.” She said emotionless, already getting up.

“Are you going back to your muggle house?” Snape asked.

Hermione stopped with her back to him, her shoulders tense. “Yes. I am. Thank you for the tea and good to see you, Professor.” And with that, she left.

Liar.

Snape didn’t know what she was lying about, but she was, and he was going to figure it out.

Calling out Tom, he paid for their drinks and left the pub, heading out into the Muggle world. Taking out his wand he whispered  _ point me _ , thinking about her, and the first piece of lie came to light. Instead of the wand pointing to a muggle street, it pointed back to the Leaky Cauldron. Snape growled softly as he entered the pub again, stalked directly through and stepped back out into Diagon Alley.

He walked deeper and deeper into the alley, until he was in a part that he didn't like. What was Hermione doing in Knockturn Alley?

Summoning a long cape that could hide his face, he cast the spell again, and this time it took him to a motel that was well known to the Death Eaters during the first war. Snape himself had stayed there many times before, and he could say for sure that the nights were horrible.

Worry hit him at the thought of Hermione being in a place like this. Most of Voldemort's sympathizers had gone to ground after his fall. But if either of them were to be discovered by the wrong people, things could get rough. She was going to have some explaining to do when he found her.

Getting close to the barman, and acquired a key after asking for a room for the night. Snape walked fast, following his wand until he found himself in front of door 109.

Snape took a deep breath and knocked. 

It took a long time, but her muffled voice came to his ears. “Yes?”

“It’s me, Snape. Open the door this instant.”

Hesitation. “Where you found me before we made our first agreement?”

Snape smirked. “The courtyard, at night."

One second later, Hermione opened the door with a scared and confused expression. Her appearance was also different. She had glamoured herself with black hair and darker skin. While it didn’t make her unattractive, it wasn’t the Hermione he knew and he found the changes oddly disturbing.

“Remember when I said that lying is not one of your talents, Miss Granger?” Snape said, looking at her deeply. “What are you doing here?” He asked slowly.

A shiver passed through her body as she looked around in the hallway. Since no one was around, she stepped aside. “You should probably come in.”

Snape looked around and felt something squeeze in his heart. “Have you been sleeping here since the beginning of the break?”

Hermione faced the floor. “Yes.”

“Hermione.” Snape stood in front of her, putting his hand under her chin, and lifting her head up making her look at him. “What happened?” He asked gently.

The façade crumbled before his eyes. Snape watched the last bit of stubborn resolve leave the witch’s body. Tears began to fall slowly as she fought for control.

“Hey, stay with me now. Deep breaths.”

Hermione nodded and slowly took deep breaths. Snape guided her to sit in the bed and kneeled down to stay at her eye level. When he saw she was able to talk, he broke the silence.

“Why aren’t you in your muggle home? Or at the Burrow? Why are you here, of all places?”

“I went there… My parents' house, but I wasn’t alone there.”

“What do you mean?” He immediately stiffened at her confession.

“Have you ever heard of the Traveler Family?” Hermione asked.

Severus thought for a moment. “Yes, they’re a pure-blood family. What do they have to do with this?”

“My parents have a very close friend, Steve Traveler. He was born a Squib, but he’s a wealthy businessman in the muggle world.” Hermione swallowed. “When I Obliviated my parents, he saw it. But instead of turning me over to the Ministry, he offered to help me. He said he would look out for my parents and when the war was over, he would bring them home.” She took a long and deep breath, “That didn’t happen. He figured out a way to keep them hidden from me, and not even a tracking charm was able to tell me where they are. Now he’s threatening to never tell me where they are if I don’t figure out a way to make him regain magic.”

“But that’s impossible.” Snape said exasperated.

“I know. But I think I figured out a way to find them. There’s an old blood magic that intensifies…”

“The bond between your blood relatives that brings them together. I know.” Snape informed her and Hermione gave him a half smile; “Did you manage to do it?”

“Almost. I just needed some of their hair, but… before I could search for some, Steve showed up and I ran.” Hermione looked at him the same. “When I realized that I didn’t have enough money to afford a room in the Leaky Cauldron, I started wandering around Diagon Alley. Before I knew it, I ended up here.”

“You could’ve gone to the Weasley’s!”

“I’m not going to stay under the same roof as Ronald!” Hermione replied angrily. “Honestly, would you?”

Snape didn’t answer, but they both knew that the answer was ‘no’. Instead, Snape groaned. “Gryffindors… Clearly, you cannot stay here.”

“I don’t have anywhere else to go.” Hermione sighed.

“You’ll come back to Hogwarts, of course. It’s where you should have stayed in the first place. You should have gotten in touch with me or Minerva. We would have done something!”

“I… I didn’t want to be a burden. Besides, I don’t need anyone pitying me.”

“That’s not the point and you know it.”

Hermione low her head. “I’m sorry.”

“I know you are.” Snape fought with the urge to hug her, to reassure her that it was okay, that she was okay and he was with her now. He would protect her. Snape wouldn’t let anything happen to the young and brilliant woman before him. With a start, he suddenly realized that he would take care of her for as long as she needed. He quickly stood up, held his hand out to her and said, "Let's go. You've been in this place for far too long already."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooo? I told you guys we would be meeting some new characters, didn't I? What do you guys think about Steve? 
> 
> Next week, a bit of fuffly. I think Hermione and Severus needs it.


	13. Christmas Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so, I know it's like, forever since the last time I update this, and I'm so, so sorry.
> 
> A lot has been going on in my life and between not feeling good enough with my writing (your comments even when I wasn't updating the history made me get back to it), relatioship issues with friends that nearly broke me, and a lot of fights with my family (my mom almost threw me out from home) I didn't had much inspiration to write.
> 
> So I'm working duble time, looking for a second job, helping my friend to also find a job, looking for a way to get out of my house and buy new furniture to be able to live in the apartment that hopefully I'm gonna find. 
> 
> So, it's being a lot lately, it's a storm that isn't going away. But that's okay. I know that somehow, things will get better. 
> 
> Writing this again made me remember why I began this history in the first place. For me, it's about hope, that even in the darkest times, you can still find something good. I won't leave this unfinish, it's too important to me. I won't update as much, but I will, and I really need your support right now. So, comment, please. Tell me your thoughts and how much you love this, so I can see that it's still woth writing for.
> 
> Special thanks to the reader kidskye084. You're awesome mate. Really. You're the reason I'm publishing this again. So, thank you!
> 
> Thanks to my lovely Kat (again) for being an awesome friend. She wasn't able to beta-read this chapter, so any mistakes it might have, it's my fault. 
> 
> Sorry for the vent, and I really hope you guys can undestand. 
> 
> Enjoy the fluff!

Hermione opened her eyes slowly trying to remember the dream she just had.

It had something to do with white roses on the floor and Snape sitting there, waiting for her. It was a good dream. It was calm and heartwarming, so much so that Hermione felt a smile growing.

Who would have ever thought that a dream with Severus Snape could put a smile in Hermione’s face?

As she stretched, the sense of calm remained at seeing the white grounds of Hogwarts. She was home and safe. Snape was close, and somehow, that was the most pleasant thought of all. Hermione wouldn’t be alone at Christmas. And, speaking of Christmas…

Hermione looked to the floor and saw some presents by her bedside. A bright smile and the warmth of happiness filled her heart. She sat on the floor and looked at gifts. 

She caught Harry’s first. From the clumsiness of the wrapping, she could tell that he had wrapped it himself. The gift was a Potion kit, and the card said,  _ “Because the new Potions Apprentice deserves the best. Merry Christmas.” _ Hermione smiled and hugged the letter tenderly. She missed him already.

Next was a present from Ginny and it was a perfume. The card said that the fragrance made whoever used it feel prettier. Hermione shook her head. That was like Ginny. The last present was from Professor McGonagall. It was a book on Advanced Transfigurations that Hermione hadn't read yet.

With her lack of money, Hermione had needed to be a bit more creative with her gift giving.

For Ginny, she knitted a nice little hat for Ginny's pygmy puff Arnold. For Harry, she framed a photo from their first AD class. She chose her favorite book about cooking spells for Professor McGonagall. And for Hagrid, she made new flowers grow in his garden. Hermione knew it wasn’t much, but she really hoped they would like "their gifts.

She dressed quickly, grabbed Snape’s present and headed out of the room. It was still early and almost all of the students that stayed at Hogwarts were still asleep. However, during the day before, Hermione had told him that she wanted to give him his gift in person. Hermione was pleasantly surprised when he had replied that he had a gift for her as well. Thus, it was agreed that they would meet in his office early that morning.

The dungeons were freezing, but not even the cold could bring Hermione’s excitement down. She knocked on his door and it didn't take long for him to open it.

“Merry Christmas!” She said excitedly, already entering the room.

“I was right then.  _ You are _ a crazy Christmas person.” Snape closed the door, looking at Hermione with an eyebrow raised and a little smirk on his lips.

“I don’t remember hearing those exact words before, but you can’t help but feel the Christmas spirit!” She shrugged, sitting in her armchair.

Snape shook his head and joined her, as he grabbed her gift.

“Merry Christmas.” He extended her gift to her and Hermione took it, looking at him. “Open it.”

Hermione smiled and unwrapped the gift paper with care, revealing a brown leather book with a fancy feather. Hermione smiled looking at the book. He certainly put thought in this. The details of the leather forming a bunch of roses, the many yellowed pages… Hermione could feel the energy that the diary was giving her, like every vibration had one message:  _ it will be okay. _

She opened the book and on the first page, his spiky writing made a lump in her throat.

_ Make good memories. _

_ Merry Christmas _

_ \- SS _

“Do you like it?”

Hermione looked up and saw Snape studying her carefully, looking for any expression of discontent.

“I love it. It’s… Wonderful. Thank you so much, Snap- Professor.”

Snape looked pleased, smiling, and relaxed in the chair. “Good”

“Now it’s your turn!” Hermione said, as she rested her gift carefully on the table and grabbed what she brought, handing it to him. “Merry Christmas!”

Snape accepted his gift and took a deep breath.. He also unwrapped his gift with care, and found a small box. He looked at her with a raised eyebrow, as she tried to contain her excitement.

Inside the box was a little glass bottle full of golden dragon eggshell pieces. Snape couldn't help looking up at Hermione with an expression of astonishment. Snape looked at the girl with an open mouth.

“How did you get this?”

“I asked Charlie Weasley for them. He got some from a friend when he was working in Egypt.” She smiled.

“Her- Miss Granger, you can’t be serious. You wasted money on me!” He said, too shocked to be angry.

“Oh, no! It didn’t cost me a Sickle! I swear!” She quickly guaranteed, “It was a favour. Charlie owned me one.”

Snape looked at the present again and then her.

“Do you like it?” She asked, biting her lip.

“It’s… Amazing. Best gift I’ve received.”

Snape felt his breath catch a bit as Hermione's face lit up with the most beautiful smile. “I’m so glad!”

They both fell quiet as they enjoyed a moment of comfortable silence. It was one of those moments of companionable silence that they both enjoyed so much. Hermione and Snape didn’t need to talk to connect, it happened naturally. It was like they could read each other's minds without the master/apprentice bond, and it was the most pleasant sensation for both of them.

They both broke the eye contact a minute later.

“So, let’s go to Great Hall, then?” Hermione asked.

“After you.” He replied.

  
  


“What kind of story is this?” Snape exclaimed. “And muggles like that?”

It was already afternoon when they decided to take a walk in the gardens. It was cold and snowing, but they didn’t mind.

Hermione laughed. “Yes! Muggle tells kids stories about an old man that lives in the North Pole, making toys all year with elves as his helpers. On Christman's night, he travels all over the world, driving a sleigh with flying reindeer, and he enters the homes of the good kids and leaves gifts under the tree.” Snape looked so stunned that Hermione couldn’t help but laugh again.

"This is barbaric. Having an old man entering your house without permission, thinking he is the judge of ‘the good kids’.”

“Oh, it’s not like that. It’s rather charming. When I was eight, I was obsessed with Santa. Every year I wrote my letter asking for a doll, and every night I slept on the couch waiting for him.” She smiled. “The first time I came to Hogwarts and realised that he wasn’t  _ really  _ real, I was so upset!”

Snape smirked. “I can see it, but you can't deny that  _ it is  _ strange.”

“No, it’s not!” Hermione defended. “It’s nice! Brings happiness to little kids!”

“If you say so.”

They walked on for a while before Hermione broke the silence.

“What was the best Christmas ever for you?” Hermione asked, looking at him.

He made an unpleasant face before answering. “I was never the Christman’s type.” 

“I know, but it must have one right?”

Snape thought for a long time. It was hard for him to remember good things that happened to him. “I suppose… In my first year.” He said carefully, choosing what he was going to say. “I’ve never had a christman’s party before, and it was the first time I was speeding the Holiday with a friend… It was nice.” 

Hermione opened a bright smile. “That’s good… Mine was when I was eleven, and I had just got back from Hogwarts… Mom and dad were so happy. They busted me with questions and we had stayed up almost all night talking. The next morning the three was full of presents, and I showed them what I bought for them from the Wizarding World… It was… Nice.” She looked at him with a small smile.

“You miss them.” It wasn’t a question.

“More than everything.” She replied and sighed deeply. “It was like a tradition for them. Every year we would go to a big square in London, with the most beautiful Christmas tree and celebrate. It was  _ really  _ nice. I wish I could have a night like that again.”

Snape was silent, deep in thought.

“We could do that.” He finally said.

“What?” Hermione stopped walking and looked at him.

“We could go and… watch the trees, like you want. I know it won’t be the same thing but...”

“Really?” Hermione’s eyes widened in surprise, her heart beating fast with hope.

“Yes, it’s Christmas. I’m sure Minerva wouldn’t mind.”

“ _ You _ want to do that? Go to a  _ muggle square _ on  _ Christmas night _ and  _ celebrate _ with  _ muggles _ ?” She laughed, mocking him.

“If you continue, I may change my mind.” He said wanting to sound angry, but Hermione saw the corners of his mouth go up a little.

“No, no, no. I’ll stop.” Hermione smiled in excitement. “Change to muggle clothes.”

He rolled his eyes. “Yes, yes.”

“Then, it’s settled. I’m also going to change and I meet you at the front gate!” She said smiling and already walking ahead of him. 

Snape allowed himself to smile foundly seeing her running towards the castle. See really reminded him what a happy Christmas should be.

  
  


Snape was dressed in social pants and shirt and his usual black. At first, Hermione was a little disconcerted. Muggle clothes looked good on him.

“I already spoke to Minerva, but we have to be back soon.” He said when he got closer to the gate.

“That’s quite alright, I’m just glad that we’re doing this.”

Severus opened the gate and gestured for her to do the same.

“Where to?” He asked, offering her his arm.

“Trafalgar Square” She answered before falling for the strange feeling of Apparition.

They stopped in a dark alley with no one around, but the noise from the square could be already heard. Just that was enough to make Hermione smile. 

“Come on! What are we waiting for?” Hermione said, already running towards the crow of people.

Snape followed, watching her closely. He never saw Hermione like this before. She was free. Happy, even. It was like all worries and sadness he saw in her was, for this night, gone. It was a truly beautiful thing to see. Severus didn’t like Christmas, but if he could bring this much happiness for her, he wished it could be Christmas every day.

Hermione turned around to face him with a big Cotton Candy in her hands.

“What’s that?” Snape asked, frowning.

“You never ate Cotton Candy?” Hermione asked, in shock.

“Well, have you ever seen… what is it? Cotton Candy in the Wizarding World?”

Hermione laughed. “Okay, fair enough. But you have to take a bite.”

“A bite? Why would I eat cotton?” 

“Come on! Just one bite. I promise it’s good.” 

Snape narrowed his eyes to her but took the candy in his hands, looking for the best angle.

“Just bite!” Hermione said.

Severus stared at her but took a deep breath and bit. The sweet taste invaded his mouth in a pleasant way, and he couldn’t help but give a small whisper of pleasure.

“This is good…” He said, giving another bite.

“Told you.” Hermione smiled. “I always suspected that you had a weakness for sweets.”

For the rest of the night, Hermione danced and signed with other muggles, as Snape watched her sit on a bench close by. Severus' heart filled with something that he couldn't quite name, but it was good. He caught himself smiling watching her dance, and for his surprise, Hermione had a beautiful voice.

She came to sit next to him breathing hard, but with a big smile on her face.

“Enjoying yourself?” He asked.

“More than anything!” She replied, smiling. “I don't even remember when it was the last time I felt like this.”

He smiled and they went quiet, just observing the people and the lights and the sky and the night. 

They lived in a magical world everyday, Hermione and Severus saw things levitate and transform… But nothing like this. It was like they could feel the magic in the air in its primitive form. The energy fulfilling everything. It was more than anything the both felt in a long time. 

“Thank you for this. Truly. Not only for this, but for everything you did for me. For us.” Hermione said, still watching the lights from the tree.

Severus, on the other hand, wasn’t watching the lights. He was watching her and how the lights played in her hair and the features of her face. When he realised what he was doing, Severus immediately went back to watch the lights.

“I’ve never had many good memories of Christmas, Miss Granger. But this one, it’s definitely one of them.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Make me smile and comment!   
> See you soon, I hope!


	14. One Year Anniversary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh... Hi? Do you guys still remembers me?  
> I know. I know. Where the hell have you been? Difficult question, next one please.  
> I'm back! I guess. If you guys are still up for it.  
> New schedule though. I'm still seeing if this will work out. Chapters in two weeks, but it's no promises haha  
> Thank you, so freaking much, for all comments. It really made me smile and got my arse down so I could write.  
> I don't know if this is good, but I tried my best  
> Hope you enjoy

She woke up in the morning already feeling uneasy, and it took a moment for her brain to work and remember why. 

Hermione felt like she couldn’t move out of bed after realising what day it was. Her limbs felt too heavy. She couldn’t see beyond the tall ceiling or feel anything beyond numbness. However, after long minutes just laying there, Hermione got up automatically, without really paying attention to what she was doing, or what she was wearing. Severus made her promise that she was going to try at least her best to keep going on this day, and she didn’t want to disappoint him, even if all these numbness got in the way of her common racinal sense.

Walking normally around the hallways that day felt wrong. It was as if dementors were around the Hogwarts’ grounds again, as if a dark shadow was above the sky, just like the dark mark once were.

Hermione wasn’t aware of anything as she sat down at the tables at the Great Hall for breakfast, but it wasn’t like she was going to touch her food anyhow, Hermione couldn’t find the straight to obligate herself to keep her body fed. The only thing the young witch had briefly noticed was that Harry and Ginny weren’t there yet, and she was fine with it, Hermione didn’t feel like putting up a brave face. All the witch wanted was to keep her body empty of emotions and her mind free of memories. That was all that mattered. 

Everything was quiet and heavy, so very different from the normal Hogwarts. It was like everyone was trapped in a similar state of mind, like they all were afraid of doing or saying something terrible wrong. That day, all that it was present in the hallways of the school of Wizardry and Witchcraft was mourning, sadness and anger. Because of what that day meant for the history of the school, all classes were dismissed, so everyone could have a free and quiet day to think about everything that happened, not that Hermione thought that this was helpful. The last thing she wanted to do was think. 

She didn’t notice when the mail came through the window, or when a brown owl landed in front of her with the new edition of the Daily Prophet, but when the odd silence in the Great Hall was broken by loud whispers from the students, Hermione got out of her hypnotic state. She looked around for just a moment before she lowered her head again and stared at her own hands, but it was enough to notice a few eyes watching her, and some eyes reading what was on the news that day. Whatever it was, it left them shaken.

Hermione stiffened her jaw, and clenched her fists tightly, refusing to let any emotions pass through her Occlumency walls, but it all broke either way when her eyes caught what was written in the headline.

**“ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THE SECOND WIZARDING WAR!”**

_One year ago, on this day, the peace was restored once again in the Wizarding World._

_After a lot of suffering and misery, after years of fear and loss, our Chosen One, Harry Potter, along with our heroes Hermione Granger and Ronald Weasly, finally put an end to the obscure times, defeating the dark wizard who self called Lord Voldemort._

_But victory came with a price. The final battle that’s known today as the “Battle of Hogwarts” that ended the reign of terror that Voldermort also brought sacrifice of some of the great wizards and witches, who gave their lives for the cause, to us, so that we could celebrate this day. (See pag. 12 for an exclusive interview with one of the former Hogwarts students who participated strongly in the Battle of Hogwarts.)_

_Those who sacrifice themselves will forever be remembered by us._

Hermione felt the buzz in her ears. Her heart raced as their names were listed down in the paper, the names of people who she knew, who she lived with for years, who she cared and loved. Those people weren’t with her anymore. They were dead.

How did they look? What was their appearance? Why she couldn’t remember Fred jokes anymore? Why couldn't she remember how Tonks liked her hair? Or how Lupin’s gentle smiles looked upon his scars? How could she forget?

All of the sudden, memories of the battle were flashing through her eyes.

 _Fred Weasley. Ninfadora Tonks. Remus Lupin. Colin Creevey. Dobby._ She had to remember them. She couldn’t forget. _Cedrico Diggory. Mad-Eye. Sirius Black... Albus Dumbledore. Severus Snape._

Snape. Snape almost died as well. One of the most important people for her now was nearly killed in the war. What Hermione would do if Snape had died? Where would she be right now? 

But Snape also killed Dumbledore. He stayed side by side with Voldermort all those years helping the Order, with the very high chance of not coming back. Everyone hated him for so long. Everyone thought he was a traitor. He bared every hatred word that was thrown at him without complaining. He killed the only person that he could call a friend. He did something that certainly destroyed him… to save everyone. To do what Hermione couldn’t. 

Seventeen years sat on his shoulders with all the age of a century. All those people were alive because of him. Because he had to pretend his whole life. Because he gave his life to the cause. Severus Snape could be in this list, and if he were, Hermione didn’t know what she was going to do with herself.

She could feel the hot tears slowly falling down her cheeks.

It wasn’t fair. None of it was fair. Why did the people that she cared about have to die? Why did all that war happen? Why did an innocent man have to almost _die,_ pretende, and risk his life on a daily basis? Why did an innocent man have to be hated and judged every step of the way? Just to get people back to their miserable lives, pretending everything was okay, and none of it never happened? _How_ can they get back to their lives again with so much pain and loss and sadness all over the place?

Hermione kneading the paper, shaking slightly.

Her fault. Of course it was her fault. It should have been her. 

Not Dumbledore, the Great Wizard of All times. Dumbledore had a purpose, he could’ve done so much more for the Wizarding World. Or Lupin, who finally were happy and loved with his wife and his little kid. A life. And now, poor Teddy Lupin would have to grow up without his parents. 

It should’ve been her. No one would miss her.

If she had been smarter, if she had figured things out sooner, maybe everything would be different. Maybe George wouldn’t be without his twin, without his other half. Dumbledore would be still walking in the hallways with that wise and gentle smile on his lips. And Harry would be with Sirius, his only family… 

Her fault. All hers. She should have been faster. Wasn’t she known for being smart? Why couldn't she figure out the locations of the Horcrux sooner? Maybe if she had, they wouldn’t need Dobby to save them, and Dobby wouldn’t be dead. Another death in her conscience. Another innocent creature was involved in that mess because she couldn’t do what she had to. And because she wasn’t enough Harry died too. He died. She watched Hagrid bring his lifeless body in his arms.

_Give me Harry Potter, and they shall not be harmed._

Fear. Voldemort was there. He was going to kill everyone.

_"You see? Harry Potter is dead! Do you understand now, deluded ones?”_

Harry. His lifeless body. His pale face. All was lost.

_“You have your mother’s eyes.”_

Snape wheezing out of breath. Dying. Dying slowly. The snake's venom was killing him.

_"No! Fred! No!"_

Percy shaking his brother. Ron kneeling beside them. Fred's eyes stared without seeing, the ghost of his last laugh etched upon his face. 

_"Such a beautiful place it is, to be with friends. Dobby is happy to be with his friend, Harry Potter."_

She should’ve stood. Harry begged her. Weak. She was weak. She should have saved Dobby.

 _I’m going to ask you again! Where did you get this sword?_ **_Where?_ **

Bellatrix…

 _“You are lying, filthy Mudblood, and I know it! You have been inside my vault at Gringotts! Tell the truth,_ **_tell the truth!_ ** _”_

Pain. So much pain.

_Mudblood. Mudblood. Mudblood._

The scar Bellatrix gave her burned in her arm, like she was there again. 

_“You’1l stay very, very quiet. We don’t want to wake up them, do we now? Shh, shh, very quiet, princess. You and I will have some fun.”_

Without enough air in her lungs, Hermione didn’t even realise that she had stood up and stormed out of the Great Hall, with everyone staring at the Broken Girl from the Golden Trio.

Severus became painfully aware of what day it was in the moment he opened his eyes, surprised to even have gotten some sleep in the first place.

It was the day he almost had died. 

Severus still couldn’t quite piece together what had happened. In one moment, Harry Potter was there, taking his memories, Lily’s eyes was going to be the last thing he saw in his miserable life, and he was fine with it. Severus was going to rest, _finally,_ after all those years in the middle of the battle field, serving two masters, not being able to be the owner of his own life… However, Severus woke up at St Mungo's one week later, unable to speak or move.

Severus Snape had died that day. He died and came back to live. 

For a very, very long time, he was bitter about his fate. He wanted to die. But now, it was different. Now he was almost thankful that his life didn’t end with Nagini’s venom. If he had died that day, he wouldn’t know what it was like to have company in the quiet afternoons, enjoying some tea, or how nice it was to discuss an interesting book with someone, or caring about the person, and wanting to be there, and take care of her.

He had all of that with Lily at some point, but it wasn’t the same as it was with Hermione. The way she always had smart things to say about everything, and how she could be bittersweet when she wanted, and how she could keep up with his sarcastic comments… It was new and good. Severus was happy for being able to help her, because he wanted to, not because his guilty conscience obligated him to do it.

Just thinking about her made his heart squeezed tightly with worry. This day was going to be like hell. Severus wouldn't admit, but he was afraid. She was strongly resisting her desire to self harm for all those mouths, but maybe what this day represented would be too much.

This thought made him rush himself out of his chambers and go straight to the Great Hall. He noticed the silence between everyone in the castle, which, in normal days, Severus would consider a blessing, today he felt like a curse. 

She was already there when he sat on the teacher’s table. The first thing he noticed for afar was that she had this empty stare, she was trapped in her own thoughts, and that was not a good sign. Severus was hoping that she would look up looking for him, that way he could make himself present for her to know that she wasn’t alone, but she never did. 

Hermione kept her empty gaze for a while, and it wasn’t broken even when the owls came through the widows. When the Daily Prophet of that morning hit his table, Severus felt his eyes grow wide, and looking at her, in a matter of seconds, Severus watched her empty eyes succumb.

Severus saw how every line of that paper destroyed her by seconds. She started to tear up and shake. After she read the news, her breathing was coming faster, and she didn’t seem to realise that she crumpled the paper angrily.

Before she even got to the Great Hall’ doors, Severus was following her. He couldn’t let her hurt herself again. He couldn’t.

“Miss Granger!” He called after her when they got in an empty hallway. She didn’t turn around. “Hermione!”

Severus grabbed her by the shoulders and turned her around to face her, and what he found was angry tears slowly falling from her eyes, the pain and anger she was feeling was evident.

“It should’ve been me.” Hermione said, her voice didn’t fail once. “It should’ve been me. They didn’t deserve to die.”

“And you did?” Snape asked, still holding her shoulders, making Hermione look at him. “What happened was war, Miss Granger. No one deserved to die because of a crazy maniac.” What he said didn’t seem to decrease the anger she was feeling. “We knew this was going to be a difficult day.”

“It’s my fault.” She affirmed.

Of course Hermione would take those deaths by her shoulders. Of course she would have found a way to blame herself for Voldemort’s evil acts.

“How could this possibly be your fault? Miss Granger, it’s the exact opposite. You _fought_ in the front line against him. You gave up everything to protect this world into succumbing in his hands. You did everything you could.”

At his words, Hermione broke and threw herself into his arms. 

Snape didn’t have time to feel uncomfortable, it was the opposite, really. His arms embraced her carefully, as she belonged there. 

“I miss them.” She sobbed in his chest. 

“I know.” His hand caressed her hair, as he held her strongly. “I know you do.” He looked around, relieved the hallways were empty. “Come on.”

Severus guided her through the castle until the familiar room. Hermione took a deep breath, allowing the comforting smell of wood and old books calm her being. He sat her on her chair, and immediately went to the kitchen, bringing back with him a warm cup of tea.

She had stopped crying, leaving her eyes swallowed and red.

“Here.” He extended the cup in front of her.

“Thank you.” She said, her voice harsh.

“Are you feeling better?” Severus asked after a while.

Hermione rested her cup on the table and nodded. “Yes, I am. Thanks to you. Honestly, I don’t know how I was going to do this if it wasn’t for you.” 

Snape stopped for a second. “I’m sure you would do just fine.” 

“I wouldn’t.” She said, firmely. “Trust me, I wouldn’t. I never had someone to take care of me, it was always the other way around. But… Now I know what’s that like. I need you, Professor.”

Snape had come to that conclusion weeks ago, since he found her in that dirty and old room, but hearing from her it was different, as it seemed to be these days. He was needed. Hermione's personality needed him. And if it wasn't as before, where he had to pretend to be someone he wasn’t, it wasn't like Dumbledore once needed him, to sacrifice everything. He wasn’t obligated to do it, but he did it, because he cared for her. And if he was honest, he needed her company just as much. 

“I need you too.” He said suddenly. “To get through this, to be able to heal. You… Give me hope, Miss Granger. You make me see that good things still exist.”

He watched her eyes fill with tears, but this time, a timid smile was in her lips.

“Seems like we are some sort of broken cure to each other, huh?” She said, with a sad smile.

Snape stared at her for a few seconds before responding. 

“I suppose that’s one way of putting.”

In that moment, healing didn’t seem so distant. For both of them.


End file.
